Monday, December 19, 2011

Its Christmas OR the girls get fancy!!

What they created

Today is one of  "my other  daughters birthdays" I LOVE that my daughter and her are STILL best friends (since3rd grade)  I LOVE that they took a "BREAK"... I love MORE that they found each other again!! I fed Them What  Hydrophonic  wanted. She picked ceaser salad and cheese bread ... OK she  couldn't pick between cheese and garlic so i made both. I MADE them do the ginger bread house its been sitting here for weeks for them!! And since they were already artsy I had them  finish the melted snow man cookies.This is there inner MARTHA'S......
Apparently the death HOUSE is working !!  Seriously SIX teenagers on  their friends 18th birthday and christmas break ... JUST  wanting Ceaser Salad, a movie and time with there friends???  YEP thats the good Stuff!!!

The Gingerbread man takes a fall ..........
Blood every place

The roof 

Juli Girl got em rolling 

Teenagers don't discount them they are really amazing people ! JUST SAY-EN!!

Saturday, December 10, 2011

A Gift

Tis the Season !!! This is a weird season this year so much not planned,all of us avoiding in our own ways. Its hard ..this was her favorite holiday. Today is the 5th month she has been gone.  It hurts less now but it still hurts. Was doing some shopping and saw the Life Saver candy books and grinned to myself and then picked one up and out wardly smiled  . She used to buy these EVERY year  for the kids. Witch used to make laugh cause mom and i used to get these for her....... I had the most AMAZING talk with my mom a week ago we talked about Alexe. She "felt" her  and knows she is OK now. I find it comforting that she feels this way. It makes me less Angry at the sheer waste of  her death. Now if I could get past the guilt i think i might be alright. I keep telling everyone else not to feel guilty because really you can not fix someone who doesn't wanna be fixed and I KNOW this!!! Its just hard to shake the what if's...... ... Today I believe i will play really bad Christmas music. wrap presents and enjoy the season for what it is. Although different this year I will enjoy it!! I also think i will go buy one of those life saver books and put it under my tree. A gift for us all, the gift of remembering  a goofy memory~~~

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Dancing in the Rain!!!

So today  instead of  morning the loss of someone who has left this earth far to young I decided to spend the day with the YOUNG !! Mostly i just could NOT force myself to attend another funeral this year. And especially not this one. I waffled back and back and forth and decided the laughter and innocence of two of my favorite short people would be a FAR BETTER way to spend the afternoon and evening Ü
Ari made her own pizza FANCY
Blake and Ari work on an Xmas present shhh don't tell !!

Ari paints her hands for her own ART
front of their ginger bread house 
Ari's side of the house 

"Rama i wanna stir !! WOW this is hard" 

Blake gets in the action w/ strawberry creme cheese 

Strawberry is YUM!!

Making her necklace &eating chocolate cereal 
Finished product !
Rama these are yummy in my tummy!!

Sunday, November 27, 2011

‎"Real loss only occurs when you lose something that you love more than yourself.

And here we go again. I can only hope that this is not the straw that breaks his back. All be it this "straw" is more like a ton of bricks...... To lose your best friend I cant even imagine . I just keep seeing his wonky walk his crazy ass hair .  They were such a pair those two together. What a team of crazy!! So random, so fun, so FUNNY*****

‎"Real loss only occurs when you lose something that you love more than yourself."  

this is his status right now. I lost it when i read it. My heart hurts for him. 

When someone dies its the people they leave behind that break my heart  The pain in their faces its just too much. I feel helpless to help them I know there is NOTHING i can say to make it better.......about 20 years ago A women who had just buried her 9 year old granddaughter said " The tears you cry are not for the dead they are for the living".... I didn't understand that statement then but I do now way way to well.........

Monday, November 21, 2011

Mental Health 5 cents or just Blog it!

This Blog is my 5Cents of mental health. Here is where i say what i cant say any place else. I don't have to spare other peoples  feelings i can say what i FEEL! I don't have to filter I GET to be MAD,SAD and stupidly HAPPY..... That being said I probably should have deleted a lot of the last 5 months posts but I did not and maybe later i will but not  now .NO Iam NOT losing my mind iam not depressed i have not gone over the edge  . This place is were i put ALL my crazy . It keeps the people I love,care,worry about alive Ü ~~ Its been stressful in so many ways the last 5 months. This has been a time of change, growth,strength, retrospect , and what ifs, ..... So don't over think what i write just roll with it let me be a BASKET case here. Besides this is way better then the gallon of Vodka that used to help. BAHHAAA!  With out this Blog and My person to talk too I honestly think i would have gone over the edge it would be so much easier . But NOBODY said life would be easy iam going with the theory that it will be worth it!!  And with that in mind Iam outta here to talk a walk on this BRISK,CRISP BEAUTIFUL winter morning!! .............

Monday, November 14, 2011


Seems that Grandchild numer 3 is in the works!! This is most exciting!! Due some time in July  Ü Iam toatally crossing my fingers for a girl!! Although the boys are ADDDDDRABLE I mean really look at these faces?? 

I secretly  OK OUT LOUDLY want a GIRL!!Even Kayden is on board with this idea.  Here is what his mom posted on Facebook "Kayden for the past month has literally at random times screamed at me "I want a baby sister, give me a baby sister!'. He's crazy and now he is also fully convinced that he is carrying his 'baby sister' in his tummy, haha."

This totally makes me giggle !!! 

Thursday, November 3, 2011

They grew up DAMN IT!!

My BITCH'S  are graduating!! They grew up!  I shall miss them! Some of these girls i have coached since they were in 3rd grade!  Damn you have know idea HOW AMAZING it is to watch cute, adorable, mouthy ,children grow up to be BEAUTIFUL SMART MOUTHY WOMEN !!!  We weren't a typical  cheer squad ! BUT DAMN WE ARE GOOD!!  We had as a KICK ASS year!!! CHEER ALL OUT or don't fuck"en bother!! LOVE you  !! BELIEVE in whom you are!! BELIEVE in the future! These are the FIRST days of your life make the BEST days happen!!

Sunday, October 30, 2011

I LOVE  MY SISTER!!! !!!!! love her more Every freaken time we talk!!  all those years born WAY after me what eves!! ................ a life wasted,a life trying to end, Time  time time ....WHAT THE hell ever !!!  WE GOT THIS!!! She makes me LAUGH!!! OMG i think she is slightly touched but FUNNY! this is the sister who Puked in my mouth!! this sister i get to bitch about shit with about ! Shit we know ! Shit we will protect!! shit we wont  deal with !! and she is teaching me how to skate backward WHOOP!! People its a site to behold I tell you!!
CHUCKY I FUCKEN LOVE YOU!!! .................................................  and you have kept me sane or as sane i can be THANK YOU!!!! LOVE YOU !!!! and god knows i dont throw that out much!!!!!!!

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Tick Tock TIME!!

Time ..... I spend way to much time wishing i had more of it and WAY to much wishing it would hurry up and pass. What makes one hour go in like 3 minutes and the other go in what seems  like 24 hours? ~~Its  What you do and whom your with....???

I do NOT want time to stand STILL !! Ive seen it and its not pretty at all !! You cant get TIME back EVER!  No matter how hard you try .... LIVE! LIVE !TODAY !! Be ALIVE !! ~~ Don't just breathe air !LIVE do what you must !Love whom you do ! Change what you can! JUST LIVE EVERY FREAKEN DAY!!! Time...........  tick tock tick tock its NOT on your side !

three months stilllll blows

Baby sister!!! i miss you!! your mess!! your random craziness!! i  i JUST MISS YOU!!! the girl ive missed for a long time, the girl  i thought would just pull threw !!you are a flyum !!! we ALWAYS make it through .... apparently we don't ... apparently we some times just breathe  (OK thats what iam doing) Apparently some of us die !!!  ~~~~  note to you he is going to need you. he is heading  to rehab maybe he will make it ??I hope so!  i wont bury some else this year!!
 hey BIG Al have ya meet  Tim  yet ?????  ya need too.. you two a HAVE to save our boy!! and i believe with you and him together as a team it could work!! Or you two would just cause a GREAT ruckus and sweeet Jesus never mind that makes my brain hurt! BAHHHA!! Miss you I just fucken miss you!! ~~~~

* Note I wrote this on the third month of her death. fuck can the 10th ever come by and I wont think of her? I went to taco Bell and ordered an extra Taco to bring home for her last weekend . I FUCKEN HATE taco bell.........
*** Check out the fact that iam HUGELY PREGO (month 9 and days)  with Fallin .... John Kosch is Santa and Alexe is an Elf......IF I KNEW THEN what id Know NOW but i didn't so there ya have it.....

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Just the Ocean ....

 I Love the Ocean its so amazing .... calming yet powerful . I find my self walking the beach when happy, when thoughtful, when sad, when i just want fresh air. Things feel so much better here.

So i wanna write about something positive  I  wanna type something up lifting iam tired of being sad iam tied of being ANGRY !! i have a pretty sweet life really and so I say lets check out things that make me smile and some days thats all ya need or ask for!
this was lovely
these people are good fun and funny!! they keep me sane and insane  and i love them all!! this is what they do this who they are THEY are fab!!

Friday, September 30, 2011

Some Times life BLOWS!

 I need to write or acknowledge someones husbands death.... not a close friend but a friend. ya know the kinda friend that your kids love and you love their kid and all the kids call ya both mom but you as "moms" ya never do anything with... you are always gonna but ya never do... but you know each other, understand each other ,and trust your  most prized gift/gift's with ?? Yes that person I SHOULD talk too, SHOULD give her a shoulder, extend a hand. but i CANT!!!  because i know it doesn't mater WHAT i say what i DO  it wont help! she wont even really hear it . It will be WHITE NOISE like a vacuum cleaner or the music channel just alot of BLAH BLAH BLAHHHH. ~~~~ I know we both could drink some wine and  cry ..laugh..feel guilty cause this is almost better .... be pissed at the waste but will it help HER ??? Will it make the newly formed scabs on me reopen ??? those are the questions and right now i am barely keeping me afloat can i really hold someone else above water?? i NEED  to call her i NEEEEED to talk to "my other daughter" but i CANT !!! Ive started to a dozen times and i just fucken cant do it!! and this PISSES me off!.........................

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Looking Down

Do you ever look down?? I never really thought about it before but i don't. i mean if iam at the beach or dodging dog poo then ya but for the most part iam a UP looker and straight ahead looker. I was looking threw some pictures a few months back and was just amazed at them. Mostly because i have been too or have taken pictures of the same spots but NEVER saw what he saw. I asked off hand How did i NOT see all this??? "Look down once in awhile Rama" was his answer. So I started to. its weird but there is a whole nother world down there.....
took this yesterday thought it was kinda cool how it was just growing out of a little crack. I never noticed it till yesterday . how did i miss it growing all that time?? i walk over that step at least 4 times a day. I need to look down more ..........

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Days like these

Last Night i watched a women tear up. Tear up you say WHAT EVER . But its NOT WHATEVER Ive known her the better part of 30 years (probably longer but that's when i rember knowing her)and NEVER and i mean NEVER even seen her sad. i lived with her for the better part of a year when i first got out of college. She handles things and she handles them well.She gets things DONE!! but last night a tear rolled down her face 3 of them to be exact. This amazing women who raised 3 kids by her self,took care of her mother threw Alzheimer's took care of her aunt tell she died then took her uncle threw Alzheimer's as well all the time raising said three kids alone, working her ass off, all in the span of 10 years teared up last night. WHAT makes a strong women like this finally break down?? Her CHILD and said Child's life choices. This "child" is almost 40 but still her child.
Last Night I watched another amazing women TALK OUT LOUD ! TALK you say WHATEVER! But its NOT WHATEVER! It was mind blowing to me because she talked about her dead daughter said the words OUT LOUD!!! Not tear full, not sad, just matter of a factly she didn't try to make the child more then she was. I was so Proud of her!! in my heart i never thought this would ever come about . Why you ask because she had buried another child 47 years ago and it took me over 20 plus years to learn about it. So to me this is amazing and good! because she is gonna be ok she is gonna deal with this. She is gonna be here for the rest of her Children who are all WELL over 35 but still her children...

This morning i dropped my kids off at the high school this morning i smiled because they were happy they are healthy and they are great kids. Because days like this don't always happen. because there will be days like those two amazing women are having . because days like today make those days bearable.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

some of the week

I was given the OFFICIAL STAFF lanyard this week. This makes me giggle !!
This is Blake at football practice on friday. Man the wind and rain was CRAZY. Gave me that Dutch Harbor vibe. I cant belive he is in 6th grade already.......

Found these Groovy shrooms in Darrys Front Yard ...... Thought they were kinda FESTIVE.
Of Course the Future Glitter Queen was all Marinered up for the Game this weekend against Kodiak yep yep we won. We are 4-0 this season so far WHOOP.
She told me to take a picture of her hair because "its SO BEAUTIFUL rama" lol she is such a goof!
This Picture just makes me laugh its so them!! Bunch of nuts they are!!

Friday, September 2, 2011

Charlie,a Fact,Chilling

Ok FINE I didn't party with Charlie Sheen but i want to DAMN IT!! He is still hot a little whacked but hot. He was supposed to marry me I wonder if he has forgotten???

I dig these Facts and this one just happens to fit me to a T !! And makes me sorta want to giggle !

This is MY PICTURE !!! No I didnt take it (I wish).It was a gift. I have a hard copy of it on my wall at work . Just looking at it chills me OUT and it makes me smile .