A Gift

Tis the Season !!! This is a weird season this year so much not planned,all of us avoiding in our own ways. Its hard ..this was her favorite holiday. Today is the 5th month she has been gone.  It hurts less now but it still hurts. Was doing some shopping and saw the Life Saver candy books and grinned to myself and then picked one up and out wardly smiled  . She used to buy these EVERY year  for the kids. Witch used to make laugh cause mom and i used to get these for her....... I had the most AMAZING talk with my mom a week ago we talked about Alexe. She "felt" her  and knows she is OK now. I find it comforting that she feels this way. It makes me less Angry at the sheer waste of  her death. Now if I could get past the guilt i think i might be alright. I keep telling everyone else not to feel guilty because really you can not fix someone who doesn't wanna be fixed and I KNOW this!!! Its just hard to shake the what if's...... ... Today I believe i will play really bad Christmas music. wrap presents and enjoy the season for what it is. Although different this year I will enjoy it!! I also think i will go buy one of those life saver books and put it under my tree. A gift for us all, the gift of remembering  a goofy memory~~~