I would like ............

Ok i lied the worst thing had not happened....................... Has it now ?? I dont know but it feels like it ..... Funny thing Death is  .... Not funny haw haw but funny weird.... Iam certainly having a harder time digging my way out of this one ... My guilt weighs HEAVY in my mind ....... A few more hours could have ment a soul still walking this earth.. A daughter would still have a father a sister would still have a brother, a Father and Mother would still have a Son. and i would still have my friend ................But would it be better for him to be here now ?? in my mind i think probably not ....unless it would have been the wake up call? ..... i would though like one night when i close my eyes that  i don't see him in that body bag  in the rain... being hauled away.... i would like for my heart not to hurt every time his father texts me ....i would like to stop trying to get the soot and char out and off my nails and hands ,  i would like the mer whiff of a camp fire make me physically not want to vomit ..... I would like my phone to stop being so quiet now...  I would like alot of things i suppose but for today ill take the sun that shining  and not waste this day  wanting.. I will live it and grab the good that is here!!!! .....................the night comes soon enough to rehash, relive ,rethink every second of that day

New in a different way

its been awhile ................. Ok, OK 8 months.. i have a crap ton i should say but i dont wanna rehash  .. i feel like the world is new again... not in a good way not in a bad way just in a different way..... and although i wouldn't have wrote this down as how i would like life to be i am pretty damn OK !! I feel every awful thing that happens is not as awful as what HAS happened i feel prepared for it... I feel that every day has something... just one small thing ..that is amazing and worth a smile, a grin ,a giggle... a oh hell yeah!!  from the birth of a new baby to hot coffee to just waking up!! So to the dawn of a new day !!! Ü

Someone sent this to me today ........ it creeps me a bit














. REALLY??? are you 5?? i don't know ..iam gonna chalk this up to someone needs closure ???? Ballz Girl i dont even know what to say to this!! i didnt ... cause frankly its NOT MY SHIT!! .........



Now you can all stop emailing me about updating this blog
 iam on it !!! Ü