Sunday, December 30, 2012

Today iam Grateful !!

This afternoon i had the PRIVILEGE of cooking dinner for my parents . I wont lie i didn't want to i don't want to deal we all know that. But i offered only after a text from one of my Dearest friends that her brother passed this morning of Lung cancer... My heart double beat when i read that text..... He was young !!He fought!! he fought like hell!! he did every thing he could and still lost. My heart hurts for his family my heart hurts more for his Mother. To bury a child..... to bury a child is NOT RIGHT!! but  from the same disease that killed her husband not  FAIR not FAIR ONE BIT!!! ( Lesson 1 life is not fair!) So i uncurled from the funk ive been in since Thursday and texted my father about dinner . I even almost took a shower ALMOST !!! I put on the pink hat and called it good! lame and gross i know but at least i got my ass out of bed! I have found my self pulling away ok not pulling RUNNING AT FULL SPEED away from reality!  that's not what iam made of! its not how i was raised !!its NOT WHO I AM!!! I fought in my head all day!! i pouted!! i was short !!i was mean!! to everyone in my house. at 3:00 i went over started cooking...... We talked while i cooked she tried to tell me how to do stuff (lol only once though cause the NO filter thing she says to me "I need to not tell ya what to do " I say you got that right or your making your own damn dinner ... we giggled over that . She says wow you know where everything is at .... I say its been in the same damn place for thirty years ya think by now i would!! she looks at me and says " I don't ..........." i grin at her and say well at least you have brain surgery to blame for that ! we giggle again.......... Dinner is cooked iam out side smoking (fuck i know dont even say it i know!!) i look threw the rain soaked sliding glass door ....She is carrying dads plate to him (to run a cane... carry a plate.. drag a foot that no longer works.. yeah strokes for the win!) he is in his chair she is putting in front of him with a smile... My heart almost EXPLODED .......happiness and love.......... This is what its ABOUT this small moment... this one thing made me grateful today. this one NORMAL THING!!! ......................................................... Rest Larry VanSandt!! REST!! may you now be free of pain may you now be in a better place and THANK YOU for making me realize each day is a gift!! they may not be what they used to be but they are still here!!

Thursday, December 27, 2012


"7 months at best with treatment,they have nothing to offer me "............... said over a two sister cinnamon roll very matter of factually ....... When the question was you two have any plans?? Like for the week .. are ya gonna be in town long question......... The NO filter thing is so HARD to hear out loud ........... More so when the question should have been So what did Mayo say what are the results ?? coming from me  not some one causally asking a "safe" question while i wrap another cinnamon roll for my dad when he gets back from the mall in her kitchen...... 5088 hours ....305,280 minutes ................18,316,800 seconds ..... Tick Tock Tick Tock.......................... The time started on December 17th tick tock tick tock............ What do you with that time that will matter?? What do you do with that time when she is NOT she??? what just what ???? what do you do when you already gave up and now you are running AWAY ????? When you don't wanna see her be someone else?? When your not strong enough when you don't want too when you cant ??????? tick tock tick tock  ................................
she picked no treatment  time FASTER NOWWWWWW tick tock tick tock!!!!

Friday, December 21, 2012

my daddy ....

You ever watch the strongest man in your life crumble?? you ever see the strongest man barely walk ?? you ever see the strongest man cry ?? snot ??Ever turn off your head lights in his drive way and watch him in the shadows to make sure he got in his house.. Ever see the strongest man want a re-due ??? Ever see the strongest man be  tough ??ever see him gather it up and make it work and smile ??  ..................... the most amazing man in my world has done all these things.... he is a giant hulk wrapped in teddy bear fur..... trying to save 5 children watching their mother die... shit we are 4 now ............... shit !!! ............ my magic family of 7 is gonna be 5 ... how did that happen how does one deal???? how does it fall on two to make it work??? we are flyums we are strong it will be will be STRONG .. its what we do its who we are !!!......................... Daddy i LOVE you!!! i wish i could stop your hurt i wish i wish i really wish !

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

just a little more time...........

We got lucky Monday very lucky!!! We get her for a bit longer.....But in all my own self wallowing and selfishness id for gotten the most important thing.... HER!!! What are her wishes her wants her needs..................Quality vs Quantity iam  fighting with these words. My heart like a greedy child says QUANTITY!!!FOREVER !!! TIME TIME TIME give me TIME!!!  but My mind says in wisdom and strength QUALITY!!!!......
I held her hand in recovery while absorbing the full effects of the brain surgery the bruises the blood the stitches the sounds of machines screaming and echoing and thought its too much for me to want her to keep doing this ! This operation was just a side effect of her  disease we haven't even started on it its self. To much way to much to ask.......

So last night last night in what is considered the quite of the night in a hospital she says . I am NOT doing this AGAIN !! i say what?? she points her finger at her head makes a circle around her body says "all this!!!" I say hell i don't blame you !!! Then she with her mouth set says "Ya know there  is something about just living .....all...... ya know  (she has lost some verbal skills ) LONG PAUSE turns looks at my face ....her eyes clear with a little smile  says Vodkaeee !" I smile laugh and say "yes ...yes there is" knowing the real words she was looking for ...........................................
Even a stroked,bruised up,swollen brain is smarter then MY heart!!! I got my extra time on Monday to learn this lesson .................Now it is time to listen to MY BRAIN.......

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

fuck cancer

I got the FUCK Cancer part DOWN!! i DO NOT have the keep calm part in hand. I barely have sanity in my grasp at this point. I still don't even wanna say it out loud ..people ask i can barely get the words out. they stick in my throat like wet sand clogging and choking my vocal cords. So i lied ............Right to faces i love to people who love her..........Ive actually only said it out loud twice  and it gets no easier............. I cant even imagine how hard it was for her to tell us. to tell my own children took more then i thought i had . to say it out loud makes it real... makes it not just a bad dream ...not just a nightmare i can not wake up from. I can not wrap my mind around it............. i don't want too. I don't wanna be strong i don't want to be calm . I just want to yell at the top of my lungs FUCK YOU CANCER YOU CANT HAVE HER SHE IS MINE!!!! YOU DONT GET TO TAKE THIS ONE !!! NOT THIS ONE !!! I NEED HER STILL!!!  you cant have my mommy ..................

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Life damn you just never know.....

Some AWESOME stuff has happened in the last few months also some SHITTY stuff is happening . But life it is that way..... So as a girl who thinks the glass is half FULL lets go with the good stuff first ..........
Age 5 first day of school 
My little girl has graduated ! headed to to college and has her head on straightish and has dreams .And that my friends is good stuff ....

 This is my daughter in law  who is  soooooooooo pregnant with "little" baby Harper Anne  whom they think is gonna be 12lbs when she born...... poor girl still has 2 months to go !

My awesome son did what he loves to do FISH!! halibut for the win!!

So this my friends is the stuff we need to enjoy !! the stuff we need to enjoy the stuff that makes life good!! this stuff makes that other stuff WORTH it!!

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Fun News

I shall have my first GRANDDAUGHTER!! Iam doing a life time of happy dancing!! Ü I LOVE MY BOYS !!! come on look at them ....can they be any more ADORABLE??? my last girl baby was 18 years ago iam EXCITED for this baby!! hell it wouldn't have mattered if was a boy sooo stink-en CUTE!!! ...... So we are waiting for you HARPER!! (so LOVE THAT NAME!!  almost as good as Regan!! lol!!)........ PLUS come on check out how Allie told her hubby!!! that is the most freaken cutest thing ive EVER SAW!!

MY beautiful, dyslex, daughter ... My Daughter whooo WORKED HER ASS off just to pass a class.. my MOUTHY, SMART ASS, TAKES NO BULL SHIT DAUGHTER!!. .. Is now going to college... iam so proud of her pick of a major !! ID NEVER EVER DO IT !!!( I would end up killing people and really that's no good )
the little things they make me smile 
i HOPE she makes a difference,i hope her giant heart stays whole, i hope she wakes up every day HAPPY with her choice ! Iam PROUD of her.. sooo PROUD my heart wants to EXPLODE!!  ~~~ So for the little things lets all just GRAB those and smile!!!

Monday, January 16, 2012


these are not my feet .. but the scale say's the same!
Shit shit shit!!!! I finally hit the gym again... i thought id DIE!!! On the one hand i MISSED it....( mostly i missed the RELEASE ) on the other hand i HATE HATE working out!! Christ on a crutch it SUCKS!!! Ok really i don't mind working out what  i mind is i HAVE too!! Just to be a normal sorta chubby weight girl ( ok iam 5'2 and a HALF and i should weight 125 ... on the heavy side of 5.2 that will NEVER FREAKEN HAPPEN!!) But i haven't ran 1 freak-en mile since July 11th ... I ran on  the 11th for miles and miles and miles with OUT MUSIC with out recording it i just walked out my door and RANNNNNNNNN ( i know for a fact it was over 12 miles cause i used to run 11 miles in one shot at least once every month and i know exactly how many miles every path in homer has ) I was already sporting a hip flexer injury ..but after that run i had torn my hip flexer and that injury is the WORST!!!.. I was stressed.. i was drinking.. i was smoking.. (hell i still am) i have ALLOT OF EXCUSES!!!  But NONE of them VALID !! And i held my weight ( not to say i wanst getting bigger i was !! i weighted the same but my ass was fitting into NOTHING... INCHES PEOPLE INCHES you would be surprised!)  up until the last month and BAM i hit the NUMBER and  3 pounds over ...( My number 2 years ago was 200 my number 5 years ago 250  (hey your talking to a chick that weighed 265 at her PRIME so dont JUDGE) ... doesn't everyone have a number that makes them RETHINK?? Ive ALWAYS been fat so Tell me i am not the only one that has a number..... ANYWAY!!!! back to the point... my ass is now trying to go back to the gym i have to make  it a PRIORITY again !! In my mind i think if i make it public ill do it!

I REALLY REALLY wanna run again but iam AFRAID !! I cant tell you how much that injury HURT ( i have an HUGE.. GIANT ..AMAZING pain tolerance but that made me cry just to WALK) BUT i WILL run the heart run again this year i might not be fast but it WILL get done!! at this point just to BE ABLE to run is a GIFT!! Besides ive already lapped anyone just laying on the couch!!!RIGHT??...................

Monday, January 9, 2012

some things DON'T translate!!

OK i have learned a MOST, MOST valuable lesson this week. Words you type DO NOT translate as you THINK THEM!! I am afraid i have offended someone this week and i really had NO intention of doing so. Mostly iam a sarcastic and mouthy and that's the way i type and talk . But with out your VOICES, tone, eye-rolls ,giggles, smirks.....WHAT  you type can just sound MEAN!! I honestly didn't mean it that way!!! BUT i could be wrong and she got what i was saying. She is a DAMN smart cookie !! .......... it was already very fragile ground at best . So HERE where i put all my true thoughts i APOLOGIZE  if I have offended you or made you feel bad i DID NOT mean it that way HONESTLY!!!..I REALLY REALLY appreciate the hand YOU have extended!! I just forgot that you don't know me that well and don't get my smart ass mouth!  ......(LOL on the up side people whom have known me my whole life don't either)  You don't know how much it meant to me to get to go to the 70th, to find out out where i got my stupid ass crooked smile, to get a peek at that side!!~~ iam not MEAN and really all i wanted to say was SORRY  if i hurt your feelings!