Sunday, December 30, 2012

Today iam Grateful !!

This afternoon i had the PRIVILEGE of cooking dinner for my parents . I wont lie i didn't want to i don't want to deal we all know that. But i offered only after a text from one of my Dearest friends that her brother passed this morning of Lung cancer... My heart double beat when i read that text..... He was young !!He fought!! he fought like hell!! he did every thing he could and still lost. My heart hurts for his family my heart hurts more for his Mother. To bury a child..... to bury a child is NOT RIGHT!! but  from the same disease that killed her husband not  FAIR not FAIR ONE BIT!!! ( Lesson 1 life is not fair!) So i uncurled from the funk ive been in since Thursday and texted my father about dinner . I even almost took a shower ALMOST !!! I put on the pink hat and called it good! lame and gross i know but at least i got my ass out of bed! I have found my self pulling away ok not pulling RUNNING AT FULL SPEED away from reality!  that's not what iam made of! its not how i was raised !!its NOT WHO I AM!!! I fought in my head all day!! i pouted!! i was short !!i was mean!! to everyone in my house. at 3:00 i went over started cooking...... We talked while i cooked she tried to tell me how to do stuff (lol only once though cause the NO filter thing she says to me "I need to not tell ya what to do " I say you got that right or your making your own damn dinner ... we giggled over that . She says wow you know where everything is at .... I say its been in the same damn place for thirty years ya think by now i would!! she looks at me and says " I don't ..........." i grin at her and say well at least you have brain surgery to blame for that ! we giggle again.......... Dinner is cooked iam out side smoking (fuck i know dont even say it i know!!) i look threw the rain soaked sliding glass door ....She is carrying dads plate to him (to run a cane... carry a plate.. drag a foot that no longer works.. yeah strokes for the win!) he is in his chair she is putting in front of him with a smile... My heart almost EXPLODED .......happiness and love.......... This is what its ABOUT this small moment... this one thing made me grateful today. this one NORMAL THING!!! ......................................................... Rest Larry VanSandt!! REST!! may you now be free of pain may you now be in a better place and THANK YOU for making me realize each day is a gift!! they may not be what they used to be but they are still here!!

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