A Birthday Gift to my self !!

Today is my birthday .... today was TOUGH really TOUGH ....... some days are hard today was one of those days.............. I didn't get my birthday call , i didn't get to TOAST with her ............. I didn't get my HUG ,i didn't get a birthday cake ............ She ALWAYS made me a cake cause well she ALWAYS did (plus no one else ever has or will) ......Damn i miss her!! ...... Today iam 47 and 47 is good !! At the gym this morning i ran and ran and ran ( PEOPLE  iam RUNNING!! so excited i could.... i don't know something!!) and thought and thought and thought...... My plate is once again FULL WAY too FULL!! Way to full of people giving up and not LIVING life ,not being who and what they could be.. and ya know what it pisses me off!!! Iam TIRED IAM DRAINED i CAN NOT SAVE  them!!! And i don't WANT TOO!!! I want to breathe the sea air, i want to smile cause i can, i want to enjoy my "babies" last year of high school. I want to take life for what its worth and then spin it!!! i dont wanna take care of 40+ year old children !! I just dont!! and i have to ask why should i ?? yep same answer I DONT!!! So as a gift to myself and as a nod to my mother i will NOT !! Not my shit !and iam finally saying you.. save you i cant !!! and i wont!!  So happy Birthday to ME !! a gift NO one can give  wrapped in a shiny glittery bow !!!! FREEDOM to walk away ............. walking

To the good LIFE!!!

OK people my sister and i have had our yearly talk what should we do for dads birthday?" ....... Her Reply "I don't know and no mamma to ask "sigh".... We kicked around a couple ideas everything leads back to an empty.. empty..sad place .. A place where her not being here will make his birthday sad.  we are tired of being sad ..we are TIRED!!! (the two of us are not filling in well for the other 4 who have left us some to another place some have just checked out.)BUT and yes there is a BUT we have decided a SURPRISE
Birthday party IS in order!!! the man is turning 75!! Its time to Cheer to "the GOOD LIFE" CHING CHING!! its time to be happy for the days we have the people we have !!!! Its time for a smile that not fake a laugh that doesn't feel guilty... ITS TIME for the last two years not to rule our lifes !!! So on July 27th (even though his birthday is the first)we SHALL TOAST to the GOOD LIFE!!! to the man who raised me to the man i love no matter what, to the man who is turning 75 !!! to the man who is my dad!! CHING CHING!!!  to Alex Willie Flyum!

She is home now .............

Sandy Beach .. I spread her threw the entire tide line

 The thing about ashes is that you would be surprised how heavy they are and how little of some one is left.......But how much they spread..... Its a good thing cause Mama had a lot of places to be for the last time.............................

Betty Irene Nelson "aka" Worlds  most awesome grandma !
 Women loved her a  Martini !! 

First and foremost she needed to be back  with her Mamma  ....................

Kurt Jay Tennison and "mom"

She is FINALLY again with Kurt ... this was a tough one i aint gonna lie !!! and the only time dad had a moment .. infant graves should NEVER EVER BE!!!

i love him so ...
this was almost the straw for me 

It seemed a peaceful spot 

And then to Sandy Beach ... She grew up in that blue house ("the shack part, its all nice now " lol ) She played on this beach as  a child and id like to think dreamed a bit too ...

the 3 of them floated together
until i could no longer see them

Of course we had to have the release of the red ballons.. Dad says to Ari are we ready to let grandma go ? and Ari smiles looks to the sky and her little chubby fingers let go .. Letting that string go almost killed me..... i didn't wanna let go..... My head was screaming my heart was bleeding but looking at her face and the pureness of her smile i let go of my string .........

Dad even threw his cane to the ground
 to toast her

 Her brother Mike took this sword and opened a bottle of Champagne with it ... it was with this same sword a year ago that they did the same for his brother ........... "To Sis ""To Mom" "To Grandma""To Karen" and under my breathe i said To My Best Friend ... "She will be Missed!!"

Dad saved a bit to make her into a Diamond SO MOM SO DAD LOL!!! i saved a bit to take to Arizona ...... She loved it there she didn't wanna leave and now she wont have too!!

Care Givers ...

Its been a bit since ive put words to the internet ... Not that i haven't had words to say. Ohhhhh MYYYYYYY i have plenty. But when you look outside your own box and see pain, exhaustion, defeet, that  same look iam sure i had but two months ago on others people faces, your shit doesn't seem so important. If i have learned but 1 thing in the last six months its this watching someone you love die is HARD !! Past HARD it  SUCKS !!! What almost sucks more is there is NOTHING you can do for them not the people dieing the people trying to make the dieing comfy worth while not a burden !! Every caregiver moment is an HOUR ever night A day every day a week!! .... You spend too much time making everything normal when we all know its not!! and as someone who wouldnt couldnt take help i don't know what to do for my friend and it makes me sad....... Iam not a prayer iam not a believer but iam a helper and when i figure out what i can do to help besides think about it i shall.................... i wish that would come ASAP!!!

Bright Shoes

So any one need tips on how to gain 46 pounds in 3 months?? I got ya covered!! First break a major bone so that the exercise you actually like you can't do then add some stress and then sit your ass drinking and eating a SHIT TON!! BAM there ya have it! 46 big ones ALL YOURS!! Well since i have mastered said weight gain plan and i can no longer even fit my sweatpants its time to get said shit BACK TOGETHER!! So i bought these awesome jewels!! FESTIVE RIGHT?? Lets just say it took ALL my power to buy shoes knowing they would never be ran in. BUT i figure i can be a damn  AWESOME walker!! Sunday morning instead of calling my mother on mothers day iam going to be walking the Migration 5k. Hey i know its not alot but its a start and every journey must start someplace!! Iam not gonna lie iam ANNOYED that i will be walking this run that i have run before. But at least I CAN walk it !! So lets start with the CANS !!! Plus i have these very BRIGHT shoes to wear!! Ü

smile cause it feels good

I try and keep my brain busy VERY VERY BUSY!! i take on more than i should. Do things that i don't wanna do so i don't have time to think.. Its what i do its what ive always done . But today was  a great! FUN!! day !!! i waved winked and kissed the picture in the mirror with a smile and started the day !! we played we flew kites we skipped on the beach we drove .. Then ...."AUNTIE RAMA  come up here and take a picture "( lol i take a picture of EVERYTHING this child does) so up i go and this she has made. "ARI its beautiful" Me....." I can't put Grandma on here and i want too... Ari  " Yes you can !! You can put her any place you want!!" me saying it with a Big ASS smile on my face!!! ...... I took the picture i turned walked down the stairs tears ROLLING down my face ..... Not because she is gone BUT because my grandchildren my daughters children will NEVER NEVER EVER say this!! They will NEVER know her they will NEVER  GET to tell her stuff i will never know .. They will NEVER get to color with her they will NEVER get slipped M &M's  when iam not looking..... BUT i smile because SHE does SHE misses ALL these things!! and i hope she shares these things and i hope her 5 year old mind holds on too them !!! Smile it feels good even when life isnt ... Smiling just feels good!!

Something HAPPY!!

i had actually meant to bust a little something more light then the post below and some how i turned the corner so now a picture thats sure to make ya smile!! HEHEHEHE!!! ITs the King of the Park!!

Hands

This not a great photo but its the one sitting next to me right now . Its the one thats been sitting here next to me for almost a month. Its a SHITTY picture. But i LOVE it cause i can see her hands . She had the most AMAZING hands ( my daughter has em ) Nails no matter if she was changing a shitty diaper,cooking for 30 people, pouring drinks for an entire bar, beading,digging in the dirt. All ways looking GOOD!!! She TALKED with her hands i always followed them. Maybe cause they always had SHINY,SPARKLY, BIG ,AMAZINGness on them??  Maybe!!!  (hey i got my love of all things shiny from SOME PLACE LOL)........... I could tell how life was going by the shape of these hands. When they were unadorned of any piece of jewelry i knew time was ticking   how when when they stopped  moving when she talked i knew it was coming FAST .. i miss these hands "talking" i miss holding this hand...............................I held it the whole night after her brain surgery thinking how lucky i was to be able to hold it...i can still feel in my hand the way her skin felt how tiny and weak and cold it  felt to me...... how she Kept squeezing my hand thru the night  just to see if someone was there .......... i would never get to hold it again  ............................ .

When i started this blog 4 years ago i did it because  i was bored at night and wanted to show off my adorable family.......... i was flippant, mouthy and indulged and didn't know, nor did i care about much past my drama ...... four years later  things are not ADORABLE nor are they boring, they are complicated and iam  still indulged ........ But for the people that read this know what comes out on this blog is no longer really for public viewing ! This is were i get to BITCH!! BE IMPERFECT!! have FEELINGS!! be MAD!! Be INSECURE ,QUESTION!!  NOT BE IN CHARGE of SHIT!! NOT FEEL BAD for thinking!! I GET  to be SAD and CRY here i don't have to be strong here ...i dont have to save anyone ..... Let me have this .......... I KNOW  iam AMAZING, WONDERFUL and LOVING LOL honey tis why i wear  any one of my 10 crowns :)............... What iam trying to say is this is my space for as long as i type its were i mix my thoughts with my life sometimes its not nice or good or fair but its how i feel at that moment .... Iam like a crow deep thought HEY WAIT SHINY !  get what iam saying???  LOVE to you all !! iam ok ..damn OK actually !!............... but iam sad and i miss her so much .. for all of you its been a few weeks but for me its been months .......

need a new job

OK i had another picture for this and i
didn't like it so i googled "dad" for something
a bit more not sad and this was the
#1 goggle image!!!

So i have a thousand things i wanna say.. a thousand thoughts running threw my mind.... A ZILLION small stories i wanna share ............. But mostly i want my dad to be OK !! He is outwardly doing well.. he is outwardly holding on.. he is outwardly doing what we flyums do ..  But i know a few things that 43 years of knowing some one gives you ....He is a little lost .....he is sad... he doesn't  know what to do next... the house is too big ..too empty... too full of memories................To QUIET!!! .................I don't know how he does it every day ..OK MOSTLY EVERY NIGHT!!  To sit in that house to hear nothing !!! After 30 years of NOISE!! of 5  Children running,SCREAMING, LAUGHING. of a wife running, laughing, screaming,loving !!! of friends dancing, laughing, screaming.. To Grandchildren and Great grandchildren throwing things crying, laughing, getting into things ...of a TV at FULL blast at MUSIC playing!!! sometimes all these things at the same time... ok alot of the times this all happened at the same time Ü ...........  SILENCE!! the sound of NOTHING !!! (its my biggest fear!!! my biggest pet peeve !!!i HATE the sound of silence !!! ) i don't know how he does it... i don't know how to make it better ........... Mostly i don't know what to do!!! That's my job!! its what i do!! I FIX things !! its what ive ALWAYS  DONE!!!  i cant fix any thing any more .........i have lost my job.......

The lack of sleep MIGHT be getting to me!

 While digging for some paper work to finish up my pfd applications today  i found this this.... Witch is not only WEIRD but CREEPY!! Seriously i threw this letter away before EVEN reading it 2 years ago!! I was mad at her ,i wasn't taking her calls and i sure the hell wasn't reading printed drunken drivel !! ...I clearly remember sticking into the drawer at the end of the kitchen counter. i even let it sit in there for a few weeks arguing in my head as to read it or not... i didn't i pulled it out and tossed in the trash. 1 week before she died. I remember that because in the last two years its the one thing i kept thinking to my self WHAT WAS IN THAT LETTER !!! how freaking awful as a human do you have to be that you threw it away with out even looking?? ....... I also remember that there was no writing on the back of the envelope much less these death and life questions!! All i can think is that Fallin picked it out of the trash to write this down quickly ( finding blank paper around here is like finding gold )as it looks like a homework assignment or questions for some report..........At any rate here it is ......... i read it finally...... I don't feel any different for reading it as it is all stuff we had talked about . But it is kinda tripping me out. Damn good thing iam not vodkaing or id be talking to the air and crap! .........

"Knock that Shit off"

This is what iam working on right now at 3:10 in the morning.... Should have done it days ago but hey i work better under pressure ..... (eye roll and a smirk one of mom and i's favorite go to sayings) Having a bit of a time trying to make it all fit... to condence 68 years on a couple pieace of foam board... the love the laughter the heart ache the lessons dont fit  on foam board...............Yes mother i hear you "knock this shit off and get it done!" Ok Ok one more sip of coffee and i shall hit it with "VIGOR !!!!"

Isnt this fitting!!??

This was the DAILY BITCH on the day my Friend!!!...my Mommy died....... Is it not what it should have been?? I went to work that day not because i had to BECAUSE i NEEDED too.I flipped the calendar and THIS was the BITCH!! LOL DAMN STRAIGHT!! .........id slept 30 minutes that night when i got the call ...... the call i couldn't under stand what he was saying  the call i FLEW outta bed to answer The call i KNEW was coming...... The call the call ...... The call i officially lost the 1 person that knew ME!!! LOVED ME UNDERSTOOD ME!! Her and i solved the world problems a zillion times..and people seriously she was a republican and i democrat... both bossy and WE figured it out!!?? OK OK Vodka was involved LOL) the call that separates me from all of them.. THE call i had hoped that would come sooner then later.... YES I SAID IT!! SOONER!! FASTER!! it took WAY TO LONG for that call!! she was DONE!~!! she didn't give up!! She took her FIRST PAIN pill 1 hour 15 minutes before she died......... She is gone from MY world i cant touch her i cant feel her.... I HAD HOPED some amazing SOMETHING would happen that would make me OK with it...make me feel she is "whipping" my sister into shape ... Make me know that her and Grandma Betty are playing with my big brother Kurt.. that  they are ALL in a happy place........................But NOOOOOOOOOO thats not what is. But you know what IS??? what is is that she is no longer looking at me with those GIANT GLOWING blues eyes in PAIN looking at me wanting me to make it stop!!she is not trying to make everything OK for us! she NO longer hurts!! and that people is MOST important...Ive missed her for months.......HER!!  those who knew her under stand what i am saying those who dont can just chalk it up as me being a Bitch ...... But today this day i Miss my FRIEND !!! My lets go have fun partner!! my Mommy!!!! i am BROKEN i am wishing i could have a THOUSAND redo's I WISH I WISH a ton of things but i do NOT wish she was still here ..............I Hope she is free of pain i hope she is HAPPY!!! I hope I get to see HER again............. Every day with her was a gift i just DIDN'T know!!!!

i learned some things this week

I learned some things this week........ things i did not wanna know some things i should have known  # 1 don't make some one "smarter" then you think you wrong  # 2 don't let your heart rule when your brain is smarter .... #  3 DON'T !  don't blame!!  Don't blame cause that is easy DON'T judge cause that's easy....... DON'T its not their fault.. !! When there is no one to yell at no one to blame and all your left with is reality........... yep not fancy not even a little ................ I learned some other things this week .........................i  am stronger then i knew ......... calmer then i thought ...... and fearless is not a word its a way of living !! i watch her live i watch her fight i watch her let go of things that once mattered and now do not ..... FEARLESS she walks to death ........ ANNOYED as hell but fearless ! (iam smiling as i type that cause really she is OVER this shit! quote unquote!)   She is amazingling strong .......... amazingling brave .............. not perfect she never was she never will be ......... but she is MY MOM and i love her!! and that is that......... Oh yes the Iris's are one her favorite flowers but i think iam one of the only people that knows that ;op i rember planting them with her i rember  when we moved and  we dug them up and replanted them........... they didn't replant :( apparently they dont like soil....................

its the little things.....

I stole this from my moms house .... I found it behind the couch when we moved it to make room for the hospital bed ..... It plucked out of a stack of papers to be thrown away.I looked up... balled it up in my hand and stuffed it in my pocket in a flash!! Like it was gold......... It is gold to me , cause you see this right here is what my moms hand writing used to look like. this is the hand writing that is on every one of my birthday cards ,every sack lunch she made me .... i used to spend hours trying to "forge" this hand writing......... its the hand writing on my birth certificate..... this hand writing is gone now.... and when i saw this piece of her i had to have it. And ive been carrying  it around with me since.. no one would under stand its value but i cant let it out of my possession......................................

This Chair is on the auction block 75.00 bucks that's it.. 75.00 dollars for her favorite chair... 75.00 dollars for the chair that she rocked my grand babies in ...75.00 dollars for the chair that held her and my children..... 75.00 dollars for the chair that she was so happy to move into after hip surgery.....75.00 dollars for the chair she sat and talked and drank coffee outta every day......75.00 for this now empty chair.....................

and iam on it!

you asked  iam writing ok blogging cause really i cant write words that mean anything.. i can throw down thoughts. .......... My family is now falling apart each grabbing for their "safety zone" each of us pulling away from each other......Dad putting on the "FACE"  the boys drinking,the sister trying to control what she can,me EATTTING  (37 pds in 2 months its a gift really. if i could run i would and n never stop but i can not ) .... life is that good . YEP i said it THIS SHIT SUCKS !!......... BUT i have my brain wrapped around it ..... My most MOUTHY, OPINIONATED, BEAUTIFUL,SMART, SELF   conscious, STRONG MOTHER  is no more ......... she is confused, scared,  angry. pliable , and wont freaken wear pants( unless you make her lol. its only funny if you know her.. she would have died before not wearing pants or clothes at any point).... Now i ask is it  wrong if i FIGHT for her ?? I know what she wanted!( she has forgotten...she is pliable) we talked about this when her daughter died  we talked about it when Grandma Betty/her mamma died we talked about it when little grandma died.....I know she doesn't  want this ...... she looks at me with clear blue eyes  and says NO this is not right i say back NO SHIT! ...........I am gonna have to fight the one person in my family i don't wanna fight ............ and really its not a fight they are doing what they know, what they do well! what they can... I will loose this fight but i must try.. I must try to make sure her REAL VOICE is heard..... i must do  what she would expect,want and do if should could.. Against another child who thinks they know the "same" thing ......This shit all around is not FAIR and i hate it!

Love....

"Mom" .... i look up at him his eyes looking across my mothers dinner table at a folder... Yes Chase i saw it ...He looks at me with his huge brown eyes mouths "LOVE " while holding his hands in a heart shape over his heart........ My heart skips a beat. i think He is 16 ,he is wise, he calm, he is worried about me. I reach over put my hand on his arm and say "Love ".......

Question! and iam still asking the same Question, its been a question for me for a LONG LONG time!!! But as i watch some one drown them self's .. i still have the same damn question!!! i think its a fair question and iam not being judgmental or mean or hateful i seriously wanna know WHY??!! How do you throw everything away for booze?? how do you drown your self into almost death daily ?? HOW?? WHY??? what makes you just throw everything thing that matters away?? People !!! we all know i LOVE me some cocktails!!! Damn i love me a cocktail and these days i make a very serious effort to make it once a week date with my love of them.  So iam not some non drinker judging !!! I watched  my sister do it.. she never could tell me why... she had alot of what i called "real life"  ehhhh (I just thought of something while i type this ........... EVERYTHING happens for a reason you know that quote that stupid ass one everyone says NOW i get it NOW i understand. Its better she is gone now.. she couldn't have handled life right now. Lesson number 2 everything happens for a reason!) ............. Ok any way back to my question WHY WHY AND HOW ???? and when is it ok to walk away?? when is ok to let them drown ? i walked away once it didn't help she is dead. if i walk away again  will it end up any different?? iam thinking no is the answer its just now, today, right now ,i don't have the energy, the time, nor the ability to fight for them.  I KNOW this but i dont want to feel bad or guilty or  have the i "should haves"..... my plate is full.. past full i am saying uncle LOL wouldnt that be awesome if you could really do that ?? ;op OK i guess what iam really asking is for the ability to walk away....for it to be ok for me to do so ... for ME not to try and fix what i can not fix...............