Question! and iam still asking the same Question, its been a question for me for a LONG LONG time!!! But as i watch some one drown them self's .. i still have the same damn question!!! i think its a fair question and iam not being judgmental or mean or hateful i seriously wanna know WHY??!! How do you throw everything away for booze?? how do you drown your self into almost death daily ?? HOW?? WHY??? what makes you just throw everything thing that matters away?? People !!! we all know i LOVE me some cocktails!!! Damn i love me a cocktail and these days i make a very serious effort to make it once a week date with my love of them.  So iam not some non drinker judging !!! I watched  my sister do it.. she never could tell me why... she had alot of what i called "real life"  ehhhh (I just thought of something while i type this ........... EVERYTHING happens for a reason you know that quote that stupid ass one everyone says NOW i get it NOW i understand. Its better she is gone now.. she couldn't have handled life right now. Lesson number 2 everything happens for a reason!) ............. Ok any way back to my question WHY WHY AND HOW ???? and when is it ok to walk away?? when is ok to let them drown ? i walked away once it didn't help she is dead. if i walk away again  will it end up any different?? iam thinking no is the answer its just now, today, right now ,i don't have the energy, the time, nor the ability to fight for them.  I KNOW this but i dont want to feel bad or guilty or  have the i "should haves"..... my plate is full.. past full i am saying uncle LOL wouldnt that be awesome if you could really do that ?? ;op OK i guess what iam really asking is for the ability to walk away....for it to be ok for me to do so ... for ME not to try and fix what i can not fix...............

Today iam Grateful !!

This afternoon i had the PRIVILEGE of cooking dinner for my parents . I wont lie i didn't want to i don't want to deal we all know that. But i offered only after a text from one of my Dearest friends that her brother passed this morning of Lung cancer... My heart double beat when i read that text..... He was young !!He fought!! he fought like hell!! he did every thing he could and still lost. My heart hurts for his family my heart hurts more for his Mother. To bury a child..... to bury a child is NOT RIGHT!! but  from the same disease that killed her husband not  FAIR not FAIR ONE BIT!!! ( Lesson 1 life is not fair!) So i uncurled from the funk ive been in since Thursday and texted my father about dinner . I even almost took a shower ALMOST !!! I put on the pink hat and called it good! lame and gross i know but at least i got my ass out of bed! I have found my self pulling away ok not pulling RUNNING AT FULL SPEED away from reality!  that's not what iam made of! its not how i was raised !!its NOT WHO I AM!!! I fought in my head all day!! i pouted!! i was short !!i was mean!! to everyone in my house. at 3:00 i went over started cooking...... We talked while i cooked she tried to tell me how to do stuff (lol only once though cause the NO filter thing she says to me "I need to not tell ya what to do " I say you got that right or your making your own damn dinner ... we giggled over that . She says wow you know where everything is at .... I say its been in the same damn place for thirty years ya think by now i would!! she looks at me and says " I don't ..........." i grin at her and say well at least you have brain surgery to blame for that ! we giggle again.......... Dinner is cooked iam out side smoking (fuck i know dont even say it i know!!) i look threw the rain soaked sliding glass door ....She is carrying dads plate to him (to run a cane... carry a plate.. drag a foot that no longer works.. yeah strokes for the win!) he is in his chair she is putting in front of him with a smile... My heart almost EXPLODED .......happiness and love.......... This is what its ABOUT this small moment... this one thing made me grateful today. this one NORMAL THING!!! ......................................................... Rest Larry VanSandt!! REST!! may you now be free of pain may you now be in a better place and THANK YOU for making me realize each day is a gift!! they may not be what they used to be but they are still here!!

TICK TOCK!

"7 months at best with treatment,they have nothing to offer me "............... said over a two sister cinnamon roll very matter of factually ....... When the question was you two have any plans?? Like for the week .. are ya gonna be in town long question......... The NO filter thing is so HARD to hear out loud ........... More so when the question should have been So what did Mayo say what are the results ?? coming from me  not some one causally asking a "safe" question while i wrap another cinnamon roll for my dad when he gets back from the mall in her kitchen...... 5088 hours ....305,280 minutes ................18,316,800 seconds ..... Tick Tock Tick Tock.......................... The time started on December 17th tick tock tick tock............ What do you with that time that will matter?? What do you do with that time when she is NOT she??? what just what ???? what do you do when you already gave up and now you are running AWAY ????? When you don't wanna see her be someone else?? When your not strong enough when you don't want too when you cant ??????? tick tock tick tock  ................................
she picked no treatment  time FASTER NOWWWWWW tick tock tick tock!!!!

my daddy ....

You ever watch the strongest man in your life crumble?? you ever see the strongest man barely walk ?? you ever see the strongest man cry ?? snot ??Ever turn off your head lights in his drive way and watch him in the shadows to make sure he got in his house.. Ever see the strongest man want a re-due ??? Ever see the strongest man be  tough ??ever see him gather it up and make it work and smile ??  ..................... the most amazing man in my world has done all these things.... he is a giant hulk wrapped in teddy bear fur..... trying to save 5 children watching their mother die... shit we are 4 now ............... shit !!! ............ my magic family of 7 is gonna be 5 ... how did that happen how does one deal???? how does it fall on two to make it work??? we are flyums we are strong it will be .............it will be STRONG .. its what we do its who we are !!!......................... Daddy i LOVE you!!! i wish i could stop your hurt i wish i wish i really wish !

just a little more time...........

We got lucky Monday very lucky!!! We get her for a bit longer.....But in all my own self wallowing and selfishness id for gotten the most important thing.... HER!!! What are her wishes her wants her needs..................Quality vs Quantity iam  fighting with these words. My heart like a greedy child says QUANTITY!!!FOREVER !!! TIME TIME TIME give me TIME!!!  but My mind says in wisdom and strength QUALITY!!!!......
I held her hand in recovery while absorbing the full effects of the brain surgery the bruises the blood the stitches the sounds of machines screaming and echoing and thought its too much for me to want her to keep doing this ! This operation was just a side effect of her  disease we haven't even started on it its self. To much way to much to ask.......

So last night last night in what is considered the quite of the night in a hospital she says . I am NOT doing this AGAIN !! i say what?? she points her finger at her head makes a circle around her body says "all this!!!" I say hell i don't blame you !!! Then she with her mouth set says "Ya know there  is something about just living .....all...... ya know  (she has lost some verbal skills ) LONG PAUSE turns looks at my face ....her eyes clear with a little smile  says Vodkaeee !" I smile laugh and say "yes ...yes there is" knowing the real words she was looking for ...........................................
Even a stroked,bruised up,swollen brain is smarter then MY heart!!! I got my extra time on Monday to learn this lesson .................Now it is time to listen to MY BRAIN.......

fuck cancer

I got the FUCK Cancer part DOWN!! i DO NOT have the keep calm part in hand. I barely have sanity in my grasp at this point. I still don't even wanna say it out loud ..people ask i can barely get the words out. they stick in my throat like wet sand clogging and choking my vocal cords. So i lied ............Right to faces i love to people who love her..........Ive actually only said it out loud twice  and it gets no easier............. I cant even imagine how hard it was for her to tell us. to tell my own children took more then i thought i had . to say it out loud makes it real... makes it not just a bad dream ...not just a nightmare i can not wake up from. I can not wrap my mind around it............. i don't want too. I don't wanna be strong i don't want to be calm . I just want to yell at the top of my lungs FUCK YOU CANCER YOU CANT HAVE HER SHE IS MINE!!!! YOU DONT GET TO TAKE THIS ONE !!! NOT THIS ONE !!! I NEED HER STILL!!!  you cant have my mommy ..................

Life damn you just never know.....

Some AWESOME stuff has happened in the last few months also some SHITTY stuff is happening . But life it is that way..... So as a girl who thinks the glass is half FULL lets go with the good stuff first ..........

Age 5 first day of school 

My little girl has graduated ! headed to to college and has her head on straightish and has dreams .And that my friends is good stuff ....

 This is my daughter in law  who is  soooooooooo pregnant with "little" baby Harper Anne  whom they think is gonna be 12lbs when she born...... poor girl still has 2 months to go !





My awesome son did what he loves to do FISH!! halibut for the win!!








So this my friends is the stuff we need to enjoy !! the stuff we need to enjoy the stuff that makes life good!! this stuff makes that other stuff WORTH it!!