When i started this blog 4 years ago i did it because  i was bored at night and wanted to show off my adorable family.......... i was flippant, mouthy and indulged and didn't know, nor did i care about much past my drama ...... four years later  things are not ADORABLE nor are they boring, they are complicated and iam  still indulged ........ But for the people that read this know what comes out on this blog is no longer really for public viewing ! This is were i get to BITCH!! BE IMPERFECT!! have FEELINGS!! be MAD!! Be INSECURE ,QUESTION!!  NOT BE IN CHARGE of SHIT!! NOT FEEL BAD for thinking!! I GET  to be SAD and CRY here i don't have to be strong here ...i dont have to save anyone ..... Let me have this .......... I KNOW  iam AMAZING, WONDERFUL and LOVING LOL honey tis why i wear  any one of my 10 crowns :)............... What iam trying to say is this is my space for as long as i type its were i mix my thoughts with my life sometimes its not nice or good or fair but its how i feel at that moment .... Iam like a crow deep thought HEY WAIT SHINY !  get what iam saying???  LOVE to you all !! iam ok ..damn OK actually !!............... but iam sad and i miss her so much .. for all of you its been a few weeks but for me its been months .......

need a new job

OK i had another picture for this and i
didn't like it so i googled "dad" for something
a bit more not sad and this was the
#1 goggle image!!!

So i have a thousand things i wanna say.. a thousand thoughts running threw my mind.... A ZILLION small stories i wanna share ............. But mostly i want my dad to be OK !! He is outwardly doing well.. he is outwardly holding on.. he is outwardly doing what we flyums do ..  But i know a few things that 43 years of knowing some one gives you ....He is a little lost .....he is sad... he doesn't  know what to do next... the house is too big ..too empty... too full of memories................To QUIET!!! .................I don't know how he does it every day ..OK MOSTLY EVERY NIGHT!!  To sit in that house to hear nothing !!! After 30 years of NOISE!! of 5  Children running,SCREAMING, LAUGHING. of a wife running, laughing, screaming,loving !!! of friends dancing, laughing, screaming.. To Grandchildren and Great grandchildren throwing things crying, laughing, getting into things ...of a TV at FULL blast at MUSIC playing!!! sometimes all these things at the same time... ok alot of the times this all happened at the same time Ü ...........  SILENCE!! the sound of NOTHING !!! (its my biggest fear!!! my biggest pet peeve !!!i HATE the sound of silence !!! ) i don't know how he does it... i don't know how to make it better ........... Mostly i don't know what to do!!! That's my job!! its what i do!! I FIX things !! its what ive ALWAYS  DONE!!!  i cant fix any thing any more .........i have lost my job.......

The lack of sleep MIGHT be getting to me!

 While digging for some paper work to finish up my pfd applications today  i found this this.... Witch is not only WEIRD but CREEPY!! Seriously i threw this letter away before EVEN reading it 2 years ago!! I was mad at her ,i wasn't taking her calls and i sure the hell wasn't reading printed drunken drivel !! ...I clearly remember sticking into the drawer at the end of the kitchen counter. i even let it sit in there for a few weeks arguing in my head as to read it or not... i didn't i pulled it out and tossed in the trash. 1 week before she died. I remember that because in the last two years its the one thing i kept thinking to my self WHAT WAS IN THAT LETTER !!! how freaking awful as a human do you have to be that you threw it away with out even looking?? ....... I also remember that there was no writing on the back of the envelope much less these death and life questions!! All i can think is that Fallin picked it out of the trash to write this down quickly ( finding blank paper around here is like finding gold )as it looks like a homework assignment or questions for some report..........At any rate here it is ......... i read it finally...... I don't feel any different for reading it as it is all stuff we had talked about . But it is kinda tripping me out. Damn good thing iam not vodkaing or id be talking to the air and crap! .........

"Knock that Shit off"

This is what iam working on right now at 3:10 in the morning.... Should have done it days ago but hey i work better under pressure ..... (eye roll and a smirk one of mom and i's favorite go to sayings) Having a bit of a time trying to make it all fit... to condence 68 years on a couple pieace of foam board... the love the laughter the heart ache the lessons dont fit  on foam board...............Yes mother i hear you "knock this shit off and get it done!" Ok Ok one more sip of coffee and i shall hit it with "VIGOR !!!!"

Isnt this fitting!!??

This was the DAILY BITCH on the day my Friend!!!...my Mommy died....... Is it not what it should have been?? I went to work that day not because i had to BECAUSE i NEEDED too.I flipped the calendar and THIS was the BITCH!! LOL DAMN STRAIGHT!! .........id slept 30 minutes that night when i got the call ...... the call i couldn't under stand what he was saying  the call i FLEW outta bed to answer The call i KNEW was coming...... The call the call ...... The call i officially lost the 1 person that knew ME!!! LOVED ME UNDERSTOOD ME!! Her and i solved the world problems a zillion times..and people seriously she was a republican and i democrat... both bossy and WE figured it out!!?? OK OK Vodka was involved LOL) the call that separates me from all of them.. THE call i had hoped that would come sooner then later.... YES I SAID IT!! SOONER!! FASTER!! it took WAY TO LONG for that call!! she was DONE!~!! she didn't give up!! She took her FIRST PAIN pill 1 hour 15 minutes before she died......... She is gone from MY world i cant touch her i cant feel her.... I HAD HOPED some amazing SOMETHING would happen that would make me OK with it...make me feel she is "whipping" my sister into shape ... Make me know that her and Grandma Betty are playing with my big brother Kurt.. that  they are ALL in a happy place........................But NOOOOOOOOOO thats not what is. But you know what IS??? what is is that she is no longer looking at me with those GIANT GLOWING blues eyes in PAIN looking at me wanting me to make it stop!!she is not trying to make everything OK for us! she NO longer hurts!! and that people is MOST important...Ive missed her for months.......HER!!  those who knew her under stand what i am saying those who dont can just chalk it up as me being a Bitch ...... But today this day i Miss my FRIEND !!! My lets go have fun partner!! my Mommy!!!! i am BROKEN i am wishing i could have a THOUSAND redo's I WISH I WISH a ton of things but i do NOT wish she was still here ..............I Hope she is free of pain i hope she is HAPPY!!! I hope I get to see HER again............. Every day with her was a gift i just DIDN'T know!!!!

i learned some things this week

I learned some things this week........ things i did not wanna know some things i should have known  # 1 don't make some one "smarter" then you think you wrong  # 2 don't let your heart rule when your brain is smarter .... #  3 DON'T !  don't blame!!  Don't blame cause that is easy DON'T judge cause that's easy....... DON'T its not their fault.. !! When there is no one to yell at no one to blame and all your left with is reality........... yep not fancy not even a little ................ I learned some other things this week .........................i  am stronger then i knew ......... calmer then i thought ...... and fearless is not a word its a way of living !! i watch her live i watch her fight i watch her let go of things that once mattered and now do not ..... FEARLESS she walks to death ........ ANNOYED as hell but fearless ! (iam smiling as i type that cause really she is OVER this shit! quote unquote!)   She is amazingling strong .......... amazingling brave .............. not perfect she never was she never will be ......... but she is MY MOM and i love her!! and that is that......... Oh yes the Iris's are one her favorite flowers but i think iam one of the only people that knows that ;op i rember planting them with her i rember  when we moved and  we dug them up and replanted them........... they didn't replant :( apparently they dont like soil....................

its the little things.....

I stole this from my moms house .... I found it behind the couch when we moved it to make room for the hospital bed ..... It plucked out of a stack of papers to be thrown away.I looked up... balled it up in my hand and stuffed it in my pocket in a flash!! Like it was gold......... It is gold to me , cause you see this right here is what my moms hand writing used to look like. this is the hand writing that is on every one of my birthday cards ,every sack lunch she made me .... i used to spend hours trying to "forge" this hand writing......... its the hand writing on my birth certificate..... this hand writing is gone now.... and when i saw this piece of her i had to have it. And ive been carrying  it around with me since.. no one would under stand its value but i cant let it out of my possession......................................

This Chair is on the auction block 75.00 bucks that's it.. 75.00 dollars for her favorite chair... 75.00 dollars for the chair that she rocked my grand babies in ...75.00 dollars for the chair that held her and my children..... 75.00 dollars for the chair that she was so happy to move into after hip surgery.....75.00 dollars for the chair she sat and talked and drank coffee outta every day......75.00 for this now empty chair.....................