Charlie,a Fact,Chilling

Ok FINE I didn't party with Charlie Sheen but i want to DAMN IT!! He is still hot a little whacked but hot. He was supposed to marry me I wonder if he has forgotten???

I dig these Facts and this one just happens to fit me to a T !! And makes me sorta want to giggle !

This is MY PICTURE !!! No I didnt take it (I wish).It was a gift. I have a hard copy of it on my wall at work . Just looking at it chills me OUT and it makes me smile .

FUCK!!! i was gonna name this one VODKA but i didnt have any

After hearing the world most depressing fucken song this was what was first on my desk. UGH!! OH and wait this was on my Facebook "I dont see Alex on here so if and when you talk to her please say hi for me!" Uhhhh ya its been that kinda day!



This fucken song today has played and i kid you NOT 3 fucken times today!! REALLY fucken REALLY Seasons in the Son 3 damn times?? when was the last time you heard that song??
Goodbye, Papa, please pray for me,
I was the black sheep of the family.
You tried to teach me right from wrong.
Too much wine and too much song,
wonder how I get along.
Goodbye, Papa, it's hard to die
when all the birds are singing in the sky,
Now that the spring is in the air.
Little children everywhere.
When you see them I'll be there.
We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun.
But the wine and the song,
like the seasons, all have gone.

I !!ME!! I can handle ANY DAMN THING THAT COMES DOWN THE PIPE!! ME!! today had to pull over in the middle of the fucken road this morning because this was playing . full out nosily, ugly ,nasty ,tears, snot all of it at 8:15 am ! What the fuck make this stop I WAS PREPARED !!I KNEW THIS WAS GONNA HAPPEN!! FUCK ~~ I know my dads out there floating the sea (secretly wanting to kick the captains ass who has NO idea what he is doing!) with his baby daughter in that damn glad container . Knowing my mother is being a damn treat (dude i know this because i am her only less charming!!) Being so mad that iam not there. My "person" is in their own funk oh and iam PMSing JOY right??................
We had lives, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun.
But the stars we could reach
were just starfishs on the beach***************
We now have Alexe Days What the fuck!!! My daughter said that yesterday( ya know my daughter who believed that "BIG AL" was her sister!!) Its INSANE that we have "Alexe Days".... i KNEW what she was feeling i understood. It all hits everyone its own way and in its own time. But Fuck ALEXE REALLY now that you can see how much everyone cared and loved you would you have been "READY"?? would you have "GONE"? i get that life SUCKS ASS and baby it really sucks.......... but really fucken really "all of this" bull shit does it look good from there?? do feel like shit matters now? are you at peace? i almost hope your not! i hope that YOU can see what you have done too people OUR FUCKEN people.
....you have made them less then they ever wanted to be. Plus you know i suck at tears so iam rolling on almost two months of chubby eyes (BITCH i hate looking bad!! you know that!!)Fuck fuck fuck!

I fucken miss you !! I wish i wasn't so self evolved that id not called you on your last birthday i have NOOOOOOOOOOOOOo excuse i just flat ass FORGOT! I wish that when you called me on thursday and wanted to have sushi for your birthday i hadnt have said "Oh hell we have a life time of birthdays!" i wish i had not ignored your phone call on Saturday the 9Th of July even sorry er i erased it before listening to it FUCK FUCK FUCK!!! thats all just FUCK!

Goodbyes......................

Last night was a night of good byes. Weird how they seem to collide together sometimes. Weirder still the type of good bye.. Two TOTALLY different ones.....
My siblings and I said our final good byes to our little sister last night as she is heading out for her final destination... Mt Ballyhoo in Unalaska Dutch Harbor .

I will say the place does get into your bones and I understand why she chose it as her final resting place. Iam more then a little angry that I will not be there to "Drop Kick her ass" over the side of the Mt. But reality is iam not so there ya have it. It seems very fitting that Chuck will be the one who is with her in the end. She was the one who was most with her in life.
I know somewhat morbid but I made them take this picture. Its the last picture of all of us together and to be honest i am not sure its not the only picture of all of us together. Ive also decided that Chuck and I need to write a book called Laughing even in Death. Seriously if I didn't laugh or make light of some of the things that have come up in the last month id have lost my damn mind! Humor is how i deal with things..... well that and Vodka.

So with that being said Notice that Alexe is in her Traveling case. Since she is Traveling to Dutch Harbor with my parents on the Ferry we had to transfer her into something my dad could carry and still operate his cane. This is what they give you when you have someone cremated. Its like a cheesy brown Glad container. Ya know whats also weird they put a label like sticker on it with the picture you use in the obit. Seems so tacky to me. But the "condo" we picked out for her was just not travel worthy as you can see.

When I first moved this I was like" Damn Alexe your heavy. Iam NOT calling you fat." I said that out loud like she could hear me. The weight if it just surprised me!! Just one of those things your never think about.
What does all this have to do with saying good bye ?? NOTHING!! Iam rambling... Ive been writing this for two days and searching in my mind for a way to end this post. So I think I will just say safe Travels Mom and Dad...... Chuck when you get there KNOW Iam with you in my heart. You have been a ROCK and the voice of reason this whole time. I wish that i could be there for you on Saturday. I love you.........
Big Al ...... may you now be at peace and happy in your favorite place.... Be FREE baby sister Be FREE........................

A Birthday

My birthday was on the 23rd. Iam officially 45 (witch by the way is the "perfect caliber") 45 seems grand to me right now. Age is just a number for certain. Lord knows i act nothing of 40 anything. Iam OK with that Ü The people around me maybe not so much. ehhhh its part of the joy of knowing me right??? Just agree cause really its just easier. I really did nothing mind blowing but I saw,talked to, hugged, giggled, and ate with most of the people I love. So really isnt that the best you can ask for??

Can we just take in the yummyness of my birthday cup cake?? OK OK I had a bite of every kind that was there but i ate ALL of this one. good lord Two Sisters can really bake some goods i tell ya. huuuu watch the video at the end of this post to understand the rest of the items in this picture .....

My lovely Daughter and her friends made me a cake a PINK cake with GLITTER (OK it was sprinkles but it looked like glitter!!) See the AWESOME clutch she also got me iam chopping at the bit to use it AMAZING!!! And come on flowers and the worlds LARGEST batman pin EVER??!! Did i mention she took me to dinner at one of my favorite places? Pho it is my newest addiction. She is a good kid this one. heart of gold mouth of Satan (hummm wonder were she gets that ??) Wow she is about to turn 18 she is really not a kid anymore...... It was a fun dinner and i truly enjoyed her and Chases company .

What you thought that the future glitter queen would pass up a chance to wear this amazing crown?!! Oh and hey i let her try it on FIRST (see i really am grown-upish) Chuck KNOWS how to pick outta Crown. Seriously i have many of these but NONE like this one and i love it!! Ill admit i wore it ALL day !! Ü

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Beautiful love them ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One of my other "children" gave me this ring isn't it AMAZING??? and shiny and sparkly? WHOOP

I had an all around wonderful day with people popping in to wish me a great birthday all week long. gifts and hugs from all over the place.Both of my brothers called me. One even ahead of time because he was gonna be outta town. The other hunted me down and brought me a card. My wonderful sister set up a mini party with Cup Cakes, lunch with my parents and the Future Glitter Queen. Thank you Chucky you really made my day!! Ü I think we all are thinking a little more about the small things these days. Time with family seems to mean more now. And for that gift I thank Big Al. in my mind i make up all these reasons why things happen and that her death has to be for something this gift is a good something.


And now for the OFFICIAL Birthday Video



Seriously I laughed so freaken hard tears rolled down my face. these really are the best !!

Weirdness and Wonder

Its 2:45 in the morning Iam sorting cheer uniforms(by the way she is doing GREAT !) and in that pile is the shirt you bought for me a few months ago. I sorta groaned inwardly at its shear awfulness (come on you know its hideous) but then smiled at the thought that you bought it and then delivered  it to me thinking it was something id like. Feels weird that that would be one of the last times I saw you .WEIRDNESS still that I would  find it today. Today you have been gone a month witch also seems weird, on the one hand I feel like I just haven't seen you in awhile and I really should call or stop by. On the other hand  I feel like this month has been a year and the reality that I wont ever see you again has sunk in. I had to fill out a form a few weeks ago and one of the questions was how many siblings do you have? Key word being HAVE not HAD. That seemed a weird question to me. I mean really why do they need to know that ? must have been the timing. The folks are leaving town today witch  is weird because that would normally mean you would be calling me non stop for the next couple a days.And we both know id be annoyed lol!! ~~ There has been alot of weirdness lately. Mostly just rattling around in my head I suppose. I look at this picture it makes me wonder... I wonder if you know what people wrote on them? I wonder were all 120 of them ended up? I wonder if this picture makes anyone else smile like it does me. I felt so kinda free when I let go of my balloon kinda like letting you go almost............... My wonder often leads to weirdness

Tonight...........

Tonight this night Iam trying to put her life on two pieces of cardboard. 32  years on two freaking pieces of card board!!! How?? i mean really HOW the hell can you do that?? A life time of dreams,happiness,heartbreak ,accomplishments,disappointments ambition,fail er,joy,excitement on two freaken pieces of card board!!!! ~~ i have in front of me a picture of the day she was born and a picture from the night before she died. Its what goes between those two that is breaking my heart right now. The story's that took her from an innocent  chubby cheeked new born to... to... i cant even type it cause that's not her... that's not who she was..... it was what she had become in the end. i don't want to finish these two pieces of card board I don't want to sum up her life . but i must.... so tonight this night i will say good bye baby sister tonight this night iam heart broken..................................

Today

Today i picked out a piece of pottery to put my baby sister into forever. how do you pick that out? Today i  threw away her shoes. while doing it i remember putting her shoes on as a baby, buying her a pair of "high" heels for a dance and laughing at those gawd forsaken shoes i threw away today. today i cryed.... today was hard