A Birthday Gift to my self !!

Today is my birthday .... today was TOUGH really TOUGH ....... some days are hard today was one of those days.............. I didn't get my birthday call , i didn't get to TOAST with her ............. I didn't get my HUG ,i didn't get a birthday cake ............ She ALWAYS made me a cake cause well she ALWAYS did (plus no one else ever has or will) ......Damn i miss her!! ...... Today iam 47 and 47 is good !! At the gym this morning i ran and ran and ran ( PEOPLE  iam RUNNING!! so excited i could.... i don't know something!!) and thought and thought and thought...... My plate is once again FULL WAY too FULL!! Way to full of people giving up and not LIVING life ,not being who and what they could be.. and ya know what it pisses me off!!! Iam TIRED IAM DRAINED i CAN NOT SAVE  them!!! And i don't WANT TOO!!! I want to breathe the sea air, i want to smile cause i can, i want to enjoy my "babies" last year of high school. I want to take life for what its worth and then spin it!!! i dont wanna take care of 40+ year old children !! I just dont!! and i have to ask why should i ?? yep same answer I DONT!!! So as a gift to myself and as a nod to my mother i will NOT !! Not my shit !and iam finally saying you.. save you i cant !!! and i wont!!  So happy Birthday to ME !! a gift NO one can give  wrapped in a shiny glittery bow !!!! FREEDOM to walk away ............. walking

To the good LIFE!!!

OK people my sister and i have had our yearly talk what should we do for dads birthday?" ....... Her Reply "I don't know and no mamma to ask "sigh".... We kicked around a couple ideas everything leads back to an empty.. empty..sad place .. A place where her not being here will make his birthday sad.  we are tired of being sad ..we are TIRED!!! (the two of us are not filling in well for the other 4 who have left us some to another place some have just checked out.)BUT and yes there is a BUT we have decided a SURPRISE
Birthday party IS in order!!! the man is turning 75!! Its time to Cheer to "the GOOD LIFE" CHING CHING!! its time to be happy for the days we have the people we have !!!! Its time for a smile that not fake a laugh that doesn't feel guilty... ITS TIME for the last two years not to rule our lifes !!! So on July 27th (even though his birthday is the first)we SHALL TOAST to the GOOD LIFE!!! to the man who raised me to the man i love no matter what, to the man who is turning 75 !!! to the man who is my dad!! CHING CHING!!!  to Alex Willie Flyum!

She is home now .............

Sandy Beach .. I spread her threw the entire tide line

 The thing about ashes is that you would be surprised how heavy they are and how little of some one is left.......But how much they spread..... Its a good thing cause Mama had a lot of places to be for the last time.............................

Betty Irene Nelson "aka" Worlds  most awesome grandma !
 Women loved her a  Martini !! 

First and foremost she needed to be back  with her Mamma  ....................

Kurt Jay Tennison and "mom"

She is FINALLY again with Kurt ... this was a tough one i aint gonna lie !!! and the only time dad had a moment .. infant graves should NEVER EVER BE!!!

i love him so ...
this was almost the straw for me 

It seemed a peaceful spot 

And then to Sandy Beach ... She grew up in that blue house ("the shack part, its all nice now " lol ) She played on this beach as  a child and id like to think dreamed a bit too ...

the 3 of them floated together
until i could no longer see them

Of course we had to have the release of the red ballons.. Dad says to Ari are we ready to let grandma go ? and Ari smiles looks to the sky and her little chubby fingers let go .. Letting that string go almost killed me..... i didn't wanna let go..... My head was screaming my heart was bleeding but looking at her face and the pureness of her smile i let go of my string .........

Dad even threw his cane to the ground
 to toast her

 Her brother Mike took this sword and opened a bottle of Champagne with it ... it was with this same sword a year ago that they did the same for his brother ........... "To Sis ""To Mom" "To Grandma""To Karen" and under my breathe i said To My Best Friend ... "She will be Missed!!"

Dad saved a bit to make her into a Diamond SO MOM SO DAD LOL!!! i saved a bit to take to Arizona ...... She loved it there she didn't wanna leave and now she wont have too!!

Care Givers ...

Its been a bit since ive put words to the internet ... Not that i haven't had words to say. Ohhhhh MYYYYYYY i have plenty. But when you look outside your own box and see pain, exhaustion, defeet, that  same look iam sure i had but two months ago on others people faces, your shit doesn't seem so important. If i have learned but 1 thing in the last six months its this watching someone you love die is HARD !! Past HARD it  SUCKS !!! What almost sucks more is there is NOTHING you can do for them not the people dieing the people trying to make the dieing comfy worth while not a burden !! Every caregiver moment is an HOUR ever night A day every day a week!! .... You spend too much time making everything normal when we all know its not!! and as someone who wouldnt couldnt take help i don't know what to do for my friend and it makes me sad....... Iam not a prayer iam not a believer but iam a helper and when i figure out what i can do to help besides think about it i shall.................... i wish that would come ASAP!!!

Bright Shoes

So any one need tips on how to gain 46 pounds in 3 months?? I got ya covered!! First break a major bone so that the exercise you actually like you can't do then add some stress and then sit your ass drinking and eating a SHIT TON!! BAM there ya have it! 46 big ones ALL YOURS!! Well since i have mastered said weight gain plan and i can no longer even fit my sweatpants its time to get said shit BACK TOGETHER!! So i bought these awesome jewels!! FESTIVE RIGHT?? Lets just say it took ALL my power to buy shoes knowing they would never be ran in. BUT i figure i can be a damn  AWESOME walker!! Sunday morning instead of calling my mother on mothers day iam going to be walking the Migration 5k. Hey i know its not alot but its a start and every journey must start someplace!! Iam not gonna lie iam ANNOYED that i will be walking this run that i have run before. But at least I CAN walk it !! So lets start with the CANS !!! Plus i have these very BRIGHT shoes to wear!! Ü

smile cause it feels good

I try and keep my brain busy VERY VERY BUSY!! i take on more than i should. Do things that i don't wanna do so i don't have time to think.. Its what i do its what ive always done . But today was  a great! FUN!! day !!! i waved winked and kissed the picture in the mirror with a smile and started the day !! we played we flew kites we skipped on the beach we drove .. Then ...."AUNTIE RAMA  come up here and take a picture "( lol i take a picture of EVERYTHING this child does) so up i go and this she has made. "ARI its beautiful" Me....." I can't put Grandma on here and i want too... Ari  " Yes you can !! You can put her any place you want!!" me saying it with a Big ASS smile on my face!!! ...... I took the picture i turned walked down the stairs tears ROLLING down my face ..... Not because she is gone BUT because my grandchildren my daughters children will NEVER NEVER EVER say this!! They will NEVER know her they will NEVER  GET to tell her stuff i will never know .. They will NEVER get to color with her they will NEVER get slipped M &M's  when iam not looking..... BUT i smile because SHE does SHE misses ALL these things!! and i hope she shares these things and i hope her 5 year old mind holds on too them !!! Smile it feels good even when life isnt ... Smiling just feels good!!

Something HAPPY!!

i had actually meant to bust a little something more light then the post below and some how i turned the corner so now a picture thats sure to make ya smile!! HEHEHEHE!!! ITs the King of the Park!!