smile cause it feels good

I try and keep my brain busy VERY VERY BUSY!! i take on more than i should. Do things that i don't wanna do so i don't have time to think.. Its what i do its what ive always done . But today was  a great! FUN!! day !!! i waved winked and kissed the picture in the mirror with a smile and started the day !! we played we flew kites we skipped on the beach we drove .. Then ...."AUNTIE RAMA  come up here and take a picture "( lol i take a picture of EVERYTHING this child does) so up i go and this she has made. "ARI its beautiful" Me....." I can't put Grandma on here and i want too... Ari  " Yes you can !! You can put her any place you want!!" me saying it with a Big ASS smile on my face!!! ...... I took the picture i turned walked down the stairs tears ROLLING down my face ..... Not because she is gone BUT because my grandchildren my daughters children will NEVER NEVER EVER say this!! They will NEVER know her they will NEVER  GET to tell her stuff i will never know .. They will NEVER get to color with her they will NEVER get slipped M &M's  when iam not looking..... BUT i smile because SHE does SHE misses ALL these things!! and i hope she shares these things and i hope her 5 year old mind holds on too them !!! Smile it feels good even when life isnt ... Smiling just feels good!!

Something HAPPY!!

i had actually meant to bust a little something more light then the post below and some how i turned the corner so now a picture thats sure to make ya smile!! HEHEHEHE!!! ITs the King of the Park!!

Hands

This not a great photo but its the one sitting next to me right now . Its the one thats been sitting here next to me for almost a month. Its a SHITTY picture. But i LOVE it cause i can see her hands . She had the most AMAZING hands ( my daughter has em ) Nails no matter if she was changing a shitty diaper,cooking for 30 people, pouring drinks for an entire bar, beading,digging in the dirt. All ways looking GOOD!!! She TALKED with her hands i always followed them. Maybe cause they always had SHINY,SPARKLY, BIG ,AMAZINGness on them??  Maybe!!!  (hey i got my love of all things shiny from SOME PLACE LOL)........... I could tell how life was going by the shape of these hands. When they were unadorned of any piece of jewelry i knew time was ticking   how when when they stopped  moving when she talked i knew it was coming FAST .. i miss these hands "talking" i miss holding this hand...............................I held it the whole night after her brain surgery thinking how lucky i was to be able to hold it...i can still feel in my hand the way her skin felt how tiny and weak and cold it  felt to me...... how she Kept squeezing my hand thru the night  just to see if someone was there .......... i would never get to hold it again  ............................ .

When i started this blog 4 years ago i did it because  i was bored at night and wanted to show off my adorable family.......... i was flippant, mouthy and indulged and didn't know, nor did i care about much past my drama ...... four years later  things are not ADORABLE nor are they boring, they are complicated and iam  still indulged ........ But for the people that read this know what comes out on this blog is no longer really for public viewing ! This is were i get to BITCH!! BE IMPERFECT!! have FEELINGS!! be MAD!! Be INSECURE ,QUESTION!!  NOT BE IN CHARGE of SHIT!! NOT FEEL BAD for thinking!! I GET  to be SAD and CRY here i don't have to be strong here ...i dont have to save anyone ..... Let me have this .......... I KNOW  iam AMAZING, WONDERFUL and LOVING LOL honey tis why i wear  any one of my 10 crowns :)............... What iam trying to say is this is my space for as long as i type its were i mix my thoughts with my life sometimes its not nice or good or fair but its how i feel at that moment .... Iam like a crow deep thought HEY WAIT SHINY !  get what iam saying???  LOVE to you all !! iam ok ..damn OK actually !!............... but iam sad and i miss her so much .. for all of you its been a few weeks but for me its been months .......

need a new job

OK i had another picture for this and i
didn't like it so i googled "dad" for something
a bit more not sad and this was the
#1 goggle image!!!

So i have a thousand things i wanna say.. a thousand thoughts running threw my mind.... A ZILLION small stories i wanna share ............. But mostly i want my dad to be OK !! He is outwardly doing well.. he is outwardly holding on.. he is outwardly doing what we flyums do ..  But i know a few things that 43 years of knowing some one gives you ....He is a little lost .....he is sad... he doesn't  know what to do next... the house is too big ..too empty... too full of memories................To QUIET!!! .................I don't know how he does it every day ..OK MOSTLY EVERY NIGHT!!  To sit in that house to hear nothing !!! After 30 years of NOISE!! of 5  Children running,SCREAMING, LAUGHING. of a wife running, laughing, screaming,loving !!! of friends dancing, laughing, screaming.. To Grandchildren and Great grandchildren throwing things crying, laughing, getting into things ...of a TV at FULL blast at MUSIC playing!!! sometimes all these things at the same time... ok alot of the times this all happened at the same time Ü ...........  SILENCE!! the sound of NOTHING !!! (its my biggest fear!!! my biggest pet peeve !!!i HATE the sound of silence !!! ) i don't know how he does it... i don't know how to make it better ........... Mostly i don't know what to do!!! That's my job!! its what i do!! I FIX things !! its what ive ALWAYS  DONE!!!  i cant fix any thing any more .........i have lost my job.......

The lack of sleep MIGHT be getting to me!

 While digging for some paper work to finish up my pfd applications today  i found this this.... Witch is not only WEIRD but CREEPY!! Seriously i threw this letter away before EVEN reading it 2 years ago!! I was mad at her ,i wasn't taking her calls and i sure the hell wasn't reading printed drunken drivel !! ...I clearly remember sticking into the drawer at the end of the kitchen counter. i even let it sit in there for a few weeks arguing in my head as to read it or not... i didn't i pulled it out and tossed in the trash. 1 week before she died. I remember that because in the last two years its the one thing i kept thinking to my self WHAT WAS IN THAT LETTER !!! how freaking awful as a human do you have to be that you threw it away with out even looking?? ....... I also remember that there was no writing on the back of the envelope much less these death and life questions!! All i can think is that Fallin picked it out of the trash to write this down quickly ( finding blank paper around here is like finding gold )as it looks like a homework assignment or questions for some report..........At any rate here it is ......... i read it finally...... I don't feel any different for reading it as it is all stuff we had talked about . But it is kinda tripping me out. Damn good thing iam not vodkaing or id be talking to the air and crap! .........

"Knock that Shit off"

This is what iam working on right now at 3:10 in the morning.... Should have done it days ago but hey i work better under pressure ..... (eye roll and a smirk one of mom and i's favorite go to sayings) Having a bit of a time trying to make it all fit... to condence 68 years on a couple pieace of foam board... the love the laughter the heart ache the lessons dont fit  on foam board...............Yes mother i hear you "knock this shit off and get it done!" Ok Ok one more sip of coffee and i shall hit it with "VIGOR !!!!"