I would like ............

Ok i lied the worst thing had not happened....................... Has it now ?? I dont know but it feels like it ..... Funny thing Death is  .... Not funny haw haw but funny weird.... Iam certainly having a harder time digging my way out of this one ... My guilt weighs HEAVY in my mind ....... A few more hours could have ment a soul still walking this earth.. A daughter would still have a father a sister would still have a brother, a Father and Mother would still have a Son. and i would still have my friend ................But would it be better for him to be here now ?? in my mind i think probably not ....unless it would have been the wake up call? ..... i would though like one night when i close my eyes that  i don't see him in that body bag  in the rain... being hauled away.... i would like for my heart not to hurt every time his father texts me ....i would like to stop trying to get the soot and char out and off my nails and hands ,  i would like the mer whiff of a camp fire make me physically not want to vomit ..... I would like my phone to stop being so quiet now...  I would like alot of things i suppose but for today ill take the sun that shining  and not waste this day  wanting.. I will live it and grab the good that is here!!!! .....................the night comes soon enough to rehash, relive ,rethink every second of that day

New in a different way

its been awhile ................. Ok, OK 8 months.. i have a crap ton i should say but i dont wanna rehash  .. i feel like the world is new again... not in a good way not in a bad way just in a different way..... and although i wouldn't have wrote this down as how i would like life to be i am pretty damn OK !! I feel every awful thing that happens is not as awful as what HAS happened i feel prepared for it... I feel that every day has something... just one small thing ..that is amazing and worth a smile, a grin ,a giggle... a oh hell yeah!!  from the birth of a new baby to hot coffee to just waking up!! So to the dawn of a new day !!! Ü

Someone sent this to me today ........ it creeps me a bit














. REALLY??? are you 5?? i don't know ..iam gonna chalk this up to someone needs closure ???? Ballz Girl i dont even know what to say to this!! i didnt ... cause frankly its NOT MY SHIT!! .........



Now you can all stop emailing me about updating this blog
 iam on it !!! Ü

A Birthday Gift to my self !!

Today is my birthday .... today was TOUGH really TOUGH ....... some days are hard today was one of those days.............. I didn't get my birthday call , i didn't get to TOAST with her ............. I didn't get my HUG ,i didn't get a birthday cake ............ She ALWAYS made me a cake cause well she ALWAYS did (plus no one else ever has or will) ......Damn i miss her!! ...... Today iam 47 and 47 is good !! At the gym this morning i ran and ran and ran ( PEOPLE  iam RUNNING!! so excited i could.... i don't know something!!) and thought and thought and thought...... My plate is once again FULL WAY too FULL!! Way to full of people giving up and not LIVING life ,not being who and what they could be.. and ya know what it pisses me off!!! Iam TIRED IAM DRAINED i CAN NOT SAVE  them!!! And i don't WANT TOO!!! I want to breathe the sea air, i want to smile cause i can, i want to enjoy my "babies" last year of high school. I want to take life for what its worth and then spin it!!! i dont wanna take care of 40+ year old children !! I just dont!! and i have to ask why should i ?? yep same answer I DONT!!! So as a gift to myself and as a nod to my mother i will NOT !! Not my shit !and iam finally saying you.. save you i cant !!! and i wont!!  So happy Birthday to ME !! a gift NO one can give  wrapped in a shiny glittery bow !!!! FREEDOM to walk away ............. walking

To the good LIFE!!!

OK people my sister and i have had our yearly talk what should we do for dads birthday?" ....... Her Reply "I don't know and no mamma to ask "sigh".... We kicked around a couple ideas everything leads back to an empty.. empty..sad place .. A place where her not being here will make his birthday sad.  we are tired of being sad ..we are TIRED!!! (the two of us are not filling in well for the other 4 who have left us some to another place some have just checked out.)BUT and yes there is a BUT we have decided a SURPRISE
Birthday party IS in order!!! the man is turning 75!! Its time to Cheer to "the GOOD LIFE" CHING CHING!! its time to be happy for the days we have the people we have !!!! Its time for a smile that not fake a laugh that doesn't feel guilty... ITS TIME for the last two years not to rule our lifes !!! So on July 27th (even though his birthday is the first)we SHALL TOAST to the GOOD LIFE!!! to the man who raised me to the man i love no matter what, to the man who is turning 75 !!! to the man who is my dad!! CHING CHING!!!  to Alex Willie Flyum!

She is home now .............

Sandy Beach .. I spread her threw the entire tide line

 The thing about ashes is that you would be surprised how heavy they are and how little of some one is left.......But how much they spread..... Its a good thing cause Mama had a lot of places to be for the last time.............................

Betty Irene Nelson "aka" Worlds  most awesome grandma !
 Women loved her a  Martini !! 

First and foremost she needed to be back  with her Mamma  ....................

Kurt Jay Tennison and "mom"

She is FINALLY again with Kurt ... this was a tough one i aint gonna lie !!! and the only time dad had a moment .. infant graves should NEVER EVER BE!!!

i love him so ...
this was almost the straw for me 

It seemed a peaceful spot 

And then to Sandy Beach ... She grew up in that blue house ("the shack part, its all nice now " lol ) She played on this beach as  a child and id like to think dreamed a bit too ...

the 3 of them floated together
until i could no longer see them

Of course we had to have the release of the red ballons.. Dad says to Ari are we ready to let grandma go ? and Ari smiles looks to the sky and her little chubby fingers let go .. Letting that string go almost killed me..... i didn't wanna let go..... My head was screaming my heart was bleeding but looking at her face and the pureness of her smile i let go of my string .........

Dad even threw his cane to the ground
 to toast her

 Her brother Mike took this sword and opened a bottle of Champagne with it ... it was with this same sword a year ago that they did the same for his brother ........... "To Sis ""To Mom" "To Grandma""To Karen" and under my breathe i said To My Best Friend ... "She will be Missed!!"

Dad saved a bit to make her into a Diamond SO MOM SO DAD LOL!!! i saved a bit to take to Arizona ...... She loved it there she didn't wanna leave and now she wont have too!!

Care Givers ...

Its been a bit since ive put words to the internet ... Not that i haven't had words to say. Ohhhhh MYYYYYYY i have plenty. But when you look outside your own box and see pain, exhaustion, defeet, that  same look iam sure i had but two months ago on others people faces, your shit doesn't seem so important. If i have learned but 1 thing in the last six months its this watching someone you love die is HARD !! Past HARD it  SUCKS !!! What almost sucks more is there is NOTHING you can do for them not the people dieing the people trying to make the dieing comfy worth while not a burden !! Every caregiver moment is an HOUR ever night A day every day a week!! .... You spend too much time making everything normal when we all know its not!! and as someone who wouldnt couldnt take help i don't know what to do for my friend and it makes me sad....... Iam not a prayer iam not a believer but iam a helper and when i figure out what i can do to help besides think about it i shall.................... i wish that would come ASAP!!!

Bright Shoes

So any one need tips on how to gain 46 pounds in 3 months?? I got ya covered!! First break a major bone so that the exercise you actually like you can't do then add some stress and then sit your ass drinking and eating a SHIT TON!! BAM there ya have it! 46 big ones ALL YOURS!! Well since i have mastered said weight gain plan and i can no longer even fit my sweatpants its time to get said shit BACK TOGETHER!! So i bought these awesome jewels!! FESTIVE RIGHT?? Lets just say it took ALL my power to buy shoes knowing they would never be ran in. BUT i figure i can be a damn  AWESOME walker!! Sunday morning instead of calling my mother on mothers day iam going to be walking the Migration 5k. Hey i know its not alot but its a start and every journey must start someplace!! Iam not gonna lie iam ANNOYED that i will be walking this run that i have run before. But at least I CAN walk it !! So lets start with the CANS !!! Plus i have these very BRIGHT shoes to wear!! Ü