Friday, September 30, 2011

Some Times life BLOWS!

 I need to write or acknowledge someones husbands death.... not a close friend but a friend. ya know the kinda friend that your kids love and you love their kid and all the kids call ya both mom but you as "moms" ya never do anything with... you are always gonna but ya never do... but you know each other, understand each other ,and trust your  most prized gift/gift's with ?? Yes that person I SHOULD talk too, SHOULD give her a shoulder, extend a hand. but i CANT!!!  because i know it doesn't mater WHAT i say what i DO  it wont help! she wont even really hear it . It will be WHITE NOISE like a vacuum cleaner or the music channel just alot of BLAH BLAH BLAHHHH. ~~~~ I know we both could drink some wine and  cry ..laugh..feel guilty cause this is almost better .... be pissed at the waste but will it help HER ??? Will it make the newly formed scabs on me reopen ??? those are the questions and right now i am barely keeping me afloat can i really hold someone else above water?? i NEED  to call her i NEEEEED to talk to "my other daughter" but i CANT !!! Ive started to a dozen times and i just fucken cant do it!! and this PISSES me off!.........................

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Looking Down

Do you ever look down?? I never really thought about it before but i don't. i mean if iam at the beach or dodging dog poo then ya but for the most part iam a UP looker and straight ahead looker. I was looking threw some pictures a few months back and was just amazed at them. Mostly because i have been too or have taken pictures of the same spots but NEVER saw what he saw. I asked off hand How did i NOT see all this??? "Look down once in awhile Rama" was his answer. So I started to. its weird but there is a whole nother world down there.....
took this yesterday thought it was kinda cool how it was just growing out of a little crack. I never noticed it till yesterday . how did i miss it growing all that time?? i walk over that step at least 4 times a day. I need to look down more ..........

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Days like these

Last Night i watched a women tear up. Tear up you say WHAT EVER . But its NOT WHATEVER Ive known her the better part of 30 years (probably longer but that's when i rember knowing her)and NEVER and i mean NEVER even seen her sad. i lived with her for the better part of a year when i first got out of college. She handles things and she handles them well.She gets things DONE!! but last night a tear rolled down her face 3 of them to be exact. This amazing women who raised 3 kids by her self,took care of her mother threw Alzheimer's took care of her aunt tell she died then took her uncle threw Alzheimer's as well all the time raising said three kids alone, working her ass off, all in the span of 10 years teared up last night. WHAT makes a strong women like this finally break down?? Her CHILD and said Child's life choices. This "child" is almost 40 but still her child.
Last Night I watched another amazing women TALK OUT LOUD ! TALK you say WHATEVER! But its NOT WHATEVER! It was mind blowing to me because she talked about her dead daughter said the words OUT LOUD!!! Not tear full, not sad, just matter of a factly she didn't try to make the child more then she was. I was so Proud of her!! in my heart i never thought this would ever come about . Why you ask because she had buried another child 47 years ago and it took me over 20 plus years to learn about it. So to me this is amazing and good! because she is gonna be ok she is gonna deal with this. She is gonna be here for the rest of her Children who are all WELL over 35 but still her children...

This morning i dropped my kids off at the high school this morning i smiled because they were happy they are healthy and they are great kids. Because days like this don't always happen. because there will be days like those two amazing women are having . because days like today make those days bearable.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

some of the week

I was given the OFFICIAL STAFF lanyard this week. This makes me giggle !!
This is Blake at football practice on friday. Man the wind and rain was CRAZY. Gave me that Dutch Harbor vibe. I cant belive he is in 6th grade already.......

Found these Groovy shrooms in Darrys Front Yard ...... Thought they were kinda FESTIVE.
Of Course the Future Glitter Queen was all Marinered up for the Game this weekend against Kodiak yep yep we won. We are 4-0 this season so far WHOOP.
She told me to take a picture of her hair because "its SO BEAUTIFUL rama" lol she is such a goof!
This Picture just makes me laugh its so them!! Bunch of nuts they are!!

Friday, September 2, 2011

Charlie,a Fact,Chilling

Ok FINE I didn't party with Charlie Sheen but i want to DAMN IT!! He is still hot a little whacked but hot. He was supposed to marry me I wonder if he has forgotten???

I dig these Facts and this one just happens to fit me to a T !! And makes me sorta want to giggle !

This is MY PICTURE !!! No I didnt take it (I wish).It was a gift. I have a hard copy of it on my wall at work . Just looking at it chills me OUT and it makes me smile .

FUCK!!! i was gonna name this one VODKA but i didnt have any

After hearing the world most depressing fucken song this was what was first on my desk. UGH!! OH and wait this was on my Facebook "I dont see Alex on here so if and when you talk to her please say hi for me!" Uhhhh ya its been that kinda day!

This fucken song today has played and i kid you NOT 3 fucken times today!! REALLY fucken REALLY Seasons in the Son 3 damn times?? when was the last time you heard that song??
Goodbye, Papa, please pray for me,
I was the black sheep of the family.
You tried to teach me right from wrong.
Too much wine and too much song,
wonder how I get along.
Goodbye, Papa, it's hard to die
when all the birds are singing in the sky,
Now that the spring is in the air.
Little children everywhere.
When you see them I'll be there.
We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun.
But the wine and the song,
like the seasons, all have gone.

I !!ME!! I can handle ANY DAMN THING THAT COMES DOWN THE PIPE!! ME!! today had to pull over in the middle of the fucken road this morning because this was playing . full out nosily, ugly ,nasty ,tears, snot all of it at 8:15 am ! What the fuck make this stop I WAS PREPARED !!I KNEW THIS WAS GONNA HAPPEN!! FUCK ~~ I know my dads out there floating the sea (secretly wanting to kick the captains ass who has NO idea what he is doing!) with his baby daughter in that damn glad container . Knowing my mother is being a damn treat (dude i know this because i am her only less charming!!) Being so mad that iam not there. My "person" is in their own funk oh and iam PMSing JOY right??................
We had lives, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun.
But the stars we could reach
were just starfishs on the beach***************
We now have Alexe Days What the fuck!!! My daughter said that yesterday( ya know my daughter who believed that "BIG AL" was her sister!!) Its INSANE that we have "Alexe Days".... i KNEW what she was feeling i understood. It all hits everyone its own way and in its own time. But Fuck ALEXE REALLY now that you can see how much everyone cared and loved you would you have been "READY"?? would you have "GONE"? i get that life SUCKS ASS and baby it really sucks.......... but really fucken really "all of this" bull shit does it look good from there?? do feel like shit matters now? are you at peace? i almost hope your not! i hope that YOU can see what you have done too people OUR FUCKEN people. have made them less then they ever wanted to be. Plus you know i suck at tears so iam rolling on almost two months of chubby eyes (BITCH i hate looking bad!! you know that!!)Fuck fuck fuck!

I fucken miss you !! I wish i wasn't so self evolved that id not called you on your last birthday i have NOOOOOOOOOOOOOo excuse i just flat ass FORGOT! I wish that when you called me on thursday and wanted to have sushi for your birthday i hadnt have said "Oh hell we have a life time of birthdays!" i wish i had not ignored your phone call on Saturday the 9Th of July even sorry er i erased it before listening to it FUCK FUCK FUCK!!! thats all just FUCK!

Thursday, September 1, 2011


Last night was a night of good byes. Weird how they seem to collide together sometimes. Weirder still the type of good bye.. Two TOTALLY different ones.....
My siblings and I said our final good byes to our little sister last night as she is heading out for her final destination... Mt Ballyhoo in Unalaska Dutch Harbor .
I will say the place does get into your bones and I understand why she chose it as her final resting place. Iam more then a little angry that I will not be there to "Drop Kick her ass" over the side of the Mt. But reality is iam not so there ya have it. It seems very fitting that Chuck will be the one who is with her in the end. She was the one who was most with her in life.
I know somewhat morbid but I made them take this picture. Its the last picture of all of us together and to be honest i am not sure its not the only picture of all of us together. Ive also decided that Chuck and I need to write a book called Laughing even in Death. Seriously if I didn't laugh or make light of some of the things that have come up in the last month id have lost my damn mind! Humor is how i deal with things..... well that and Vodka.

So with that being said Notice that Alexe is in her Traveling case. Since she is Traveling to Dutch Harbor with my parents on the Ferry we had to transfer her into something my dad could carry and still operate his cane. This is what they give you when you have someone cremated. Its like a cheesy brown Glad container. Ya know whats also weird they put a label like sticker on it with the picture you use in the obit. Seems so tacky to me. But the "condo" we picked out for her was just not travel worthy as you can see.

When I first moved this I was like" Damn Alexe your heavy. Iam NOT calling you fat." I said that out loud like she could hear me. The weight if it just surprised me!! Just one of those things your never think about.
What does all this have to do with saying good bye ?? NOTHING!! Iam rambling... Ive been writing this for two days and searching in my mind for a way to end this post. So I think I will just say safe Travels Mom and Dad...... Chuck when you get there KNOW Iam with you in my heart. You have been a ROCK and the voice of reason this whole time. I wish that i could be there for you on Saturday. I love you.........
Big Al ...... may you now be at peace and happy in your favorite place.... Be FREE baby sister Be FREE........................